Councillor

Had another councillor meeting today. We spoke of my past, how my life is, and went through a state of honesty.

Meaning I described my life and what my wife had done.

The councillor said at that moment in time, she felt anger towards my wife, because of what she had done 20 years ago, and then appoligised as she should be non judgmental

In hindsight, over the years, I wish we divorced at that time.

Family

My mother said yesterday that she thought it best if I didn't go over for Easter then she started talking about funerals ( they are both over 70 ) and how can I expect to go to their funerals as a woman.

When I first told my mother, I told her to talk to her doctor. The dr said there are two options, accept it or reject me.

I felt that she had rejected me. I know she had to fight to keep me due to medical issues when I was born, and at that moment in time on the phone, I felt she made the wrong decision 40 years ago, she should have let me go.

Then today, my wife called her and said what ever happens. I'm still her child. I'm still her family.

We had a exelent Sunday roast. All thanks to my wife.

And further more, my mother said it was a better day than she thought it could be, with me there.

The worst thing

Out of all that is happening to
Me, the worst thing is seeing teenagers, seeing what I should have been.

I keep getting flashbacks, my mother use to help out at dance classes and being pre-teen, I use to have to go too, to help. I can remember times when I use to watch the tutors daughter, a year or so younger than me, and think how elegant she looked, that I wished I had a body like hers.

I really get emotional when I remember things like this. I know it's no use thinking what could / should have been but, I keep trying to figure out when I first felt this way.

And it is difficult. To remember things about myself, which I forced myself to forget, is difficult to accept that I repressed it.

Another memory was we had exchange students and teachers. I can remember distinctly thinking that one of the teachers looked like a man, And how much i wanted to be in his/her shoes. Maybe she was, in a previous life. Now that I understand this is a fact if life and there are things such as us transgendered foke.

Seperate

I built the double bed yesterday and slept in the spare room. I felt... Well I felt free to do as I please. I could wear what I wanted to bed, listen to music through the night, yeah, it felt good.

Going back a few hours, my wife said she felt we should try sleeping apart, as family and friends thought it would be best. She spent most of the day voicing her love for me and kept saying she wants to sleep with me but can't sleep with a woman., so I spent most of the day clearing out my room and building a spare bed.

To be honest, I think I want to stay in the the spare room where I don't have to justify what I'm going.

For example, I put some deodorant on and that prompted why have you got perfume on. It's not the fact I'm wearing deodorant, it's that she makes me feel that I have to justify everything I'm doing. I said to her why did she say that, if I was wearing perfume, then she knows why. What I need to hear is if it smells nice or not, not why.

I'm still alive

:-)

I had my first consultation about hair removal on Tuesday. Girl, did that hurt, but on the other hand, I'm getting treatment which would normally cost in excess if £1000 free of charge, so, a little pain can be handled.

Otherwise, I'm doing good. My mother is still taking it badly and we have decided not to tell my father.

The two ladies I have been in frequent contact with about my transition, have stopped talking to me. In the sense that I get hardly any txt or phone calls. I feel it's due to conversations we had over my wife's birthday party... I miss the conversation and laughter... We will see.what happens...

So.. There we are for a quick update.

Oh yeah. Wife smiled for the first time on ages at the weekend. At last !!!

I really shouldn't be here

I have a condition where as, if I need the toilet, I need it there and then.

It was one of those times yesterday.

I had been for a colour match, and this time they applied the foundation properly. I could really see a difference and it looked really good. So good, I asked them to do
My eyes too.

Then I had lunch and that set my tummy off.

I rushed to the toilets and when I had finished, I emerged from the cubicle in to a room full of men of all ages.

Wearing full makeup, and lingerie, although the top I was wearing was baggy so you couldn't really tell, but even so, it felt so wrong. I felt I shouldn't be there, in the men's toilets.

Looking in the mirror, there was no way I would pass as a female so the ladies toilets are out of the question too.

So... Thankyou medical condition ! Because I have this tummy problem, I have obtained a raydar key for access to disabled toilets, in case of emergencies...

I think that is going to be the way forward for now.

Progression

I'm making some great progress.

I wear a pink cap, mascara, nail polish, lingerie and occasionally a blouse to work.

I just can not believe how unobservant people are.

I have told one of the girls what's happening and on a daily basis, I ask her if she has notice what I have changed and she's pretty good although doesn't see everything.

I think the turning point was when I was dressed up, and feeling comfortable going to work dressed like I was, then we went to burgerking. It was only when I was half way through my meal that I realized I was wearing makeup and a blouse, in public, in burgerking. For a moment I panicked. What if .... Then I looked around and, no, no one was looking at me, any more than I was looking at them. It felt good !