Thoughts

Where do I start. So... It's been a rough week. My wife has difficulty accepting social standards. She also has difficulty watching me transition. She knows its something I must do but she can't watch.

Ok..

She has her own house, just waiting for the final stuff to be done before she moves in.

Then... Monday she took an overdose and ended up in hospital. She is fine medically, no damage but mentally, all she says is that she failed, because she is still here. That she will be all alone. What ever I say, she still says she will be alone. 

She has so many friends who call in, who go running with her, swimming, every day. And she repeatedly says she will be alone. The house is 3 minute drive, 10 minute walk. And I have said she is welcome back for coffee etc, any time but nothing makes any difference.

And I really feel its all my fault. If I wasn't transitioning, she wouldn't be moving out. And I don't know what to do. I'm responsible for her taking an overdose, and I have no one to talk to. It's crap!

It's time

I can't say I blame her, she is leaving me.

There was a comment on one of my posts saying that this person was considering transition but in the end she  ( he ) valued the relationship more and decided not to transition. 

If this is what brought peace to his life then, good, I'm happy for him.

Reading some blogs and forums, to be a woman, you have to xyz. Really ? Don't you have to be you, to be a woman ? Do you have to wear heels, a dress, long hair, polished nails etc ? Is this a requirement ? If it is, someone should tell my sister as she surely can't be female if this is true.

Don't get me wrong, it's what I want, the long hair, nails, heels, but ... dress? Maybe in the future.. But for now, I'm happy, happy that people accept I am female, having long hair, polished nails, the heels and clothes I wear. Socially I get on better, I can look at clothes, lingerie, even other women with out feeling shame, embarrassment and hiding my actions. Because, one day, one day soon, I will have the body I have been watching, wanting for so many years, with the clothes I have only been able to dream of, which will help put right the feelings and thoughts I have had, which has been the reason for my seperation from society. 

As I said, my wife is leaving me. She can see the change in me, the desire to socialize, be part of life and she doesn't want to stop me from doing what must be done. She plans to live locally, so we will remain friends, and socialize together, not changing anything except for the roof over our heads.

Is that it ?

So, all my (wife's) friends have been td to call me Kimberley. On Monday I sent an email to the directors at work and said I will address the guys on office before my shift ends.

It was accepted very positively by all except for one young lad. The girls IM'ed me and said how brave I was and asked how it felt. Feel, it feels right, that I have put a wrong right at last.

And today, I saw the mental health guys, who couldn't find anything wrong !!! Such a good week !!!

Thought for the day

After councilling on Friday, I have decided its time, time to drop my male name and start using my feminine name.

Friends and (wife's) family are happy to do as I wish but I have concerns about work as it will affect not only people I work with but customers.

I think I need to confirm if there are gender policies at work before I say anything at work.

On a different note, how is my marriage seen in a court of law being a woman married to a woman... Especially as ( as far as I can find out ) same sex marriage is still a no no...

Thought for the day

All through my life I have had depression, and occasionally thoughts about killing my self.

One Christmas in particular I set light to some Christmas decorations, at the time it was either burn me, or something else.

After a conversation with my mother, her not wanting 2 daughters, it was a distressing call for both of us.

She said that she sometimes feels like ending it all. I keep telling her to talk to the dr and get counselling but she said the dr is no good.

Aftrr the phone call she txt me to say sorry, and that's when I txt back about my depression and suicidal thoughts.

I haven't heard anything since. I'm really regretting telling her about how I feel...

But now I feel I can't call because she will break down and cry, and with out my father knowing about me, I'm not prepared to put her in that position....

What do I do???

Jealous

Watching how to train your dragon tonight, and felt jealous ? Depressed ? Of the girl in the film, wishing I had a body like that...

Thoughts for the day

I have my NHS meeting at the end of the month. For this, I have ordered some clothes from a online catalogue.

My wife said that's the day when we will find out of our relationship will survive or end.

Anyone have any advice on what to do at this meeting ???