My wife

She turned around and said she isn't in to women, that she doesn't want to go around with me if I look like a woman.

She said she doesn't think we will stay together if I went through with it.

I just hope the councelling for her works,

but, I was getting prepaired for getting divorced in a year as the reasons we are still together will have completed.

Our marriage was based on a promise. I promised to marry her if she resumed medical tests which has improved her quality of life, and now, we promised 5 years ago, to stay together due to financial commitments but they complete in about a year. So, I was planning this all to happen in a year, but she found my lingerie and I couldn't , wouldn't lie any more. So, yes, I don't want her to go, but on the other hand, I expected her to go in a year.

So, what do I do... Agh!!!

Men an things

Why did I panic the other day ? I don't know. I think it was more to do with the sudden realisation that I had once kissed a boy, and I was surrounded by men.

The sudden feeling that I had once felt that way, was overwhelming and I didn't know what to do. It scared me.

I strongly believe that it is the person you actually fall for, the physical attributes help at the beginning but its how you are with each other is the deciding factor.

I am very open with my ideas and wants, which I don't see in my male friends, only in other females. I think this is why I can and want to write this blog, because of my desire to share and interact so openly. To share my feelings.

I feel the reason for the 3, yeah, 3 subsequent relationships I had after that first kiss was not because I wanted to be with those women, but I wanted to be those women, to experience the social life they had, to interact with other women. As I found it so much easier to talk to women than men.

I just didn't and still don't feel I have anything in common with men.

And then... Reading some more about trans'x' - there's a lot to read... But, it seems that these feelings are normal for a woman, and women bond with other women so much easier than men bonding with men.

I think it is because of this that I found it right and feeling natural in to share this with Helen. And this is because I am a woman.

Chrysalis

After talking to Helen, I looked at the two recommendations again, but neither suggested gender issues so I was on the search for something.

About 1:30am I found this site, took down the details ready to call. The meeting place is actually located at one of the recommended venues, so they are kind of interlinked

Last nights sleep was very broken. Kept waking up, thinking how do I tell work, friends and more importantly, family.

I have a plan. I need to call these people first. Then I'm going to tell my sister, at Christmas, privately. I think she ( the tomboy she use to be ) would understand, and could prepare me and my parents for what is going to happen. Then work, as its a small company, I think it will be easier to tell my director, and as all the info I have read suggested, then let him handle the rest.

Yes, there's a woman still in the mirror but she's afraid. But it is something I must do, to prove to my self that either I am a woman, or a bloke in a dress.

I'm betting on the woman, especially after the feelings I have had in the last few days

As the days pass

I'm letting go of the restraints I have, as time passes. I have always felt at ease with and around women, trying to put things at ease if there were problems.you know, placing my hand on her shoulder as a way to say, it will be ok.

But being in this body, I came to understand that wasn't always the message which was received and I was told in no uncertain terms, to stop being so touchy feely. So, I have repressed the urge to console, to show consideration as much as I use to, but its coming back, the me I use to be is returning, thanks to this blog, to Helen.

This is me, I like me. Watch out world, here I come.

On my mind

It must have been about 2000 when I found out that I couldn't have children.

We went for the normal investigations and apparently I have something wrong down there which is causing my brain to produce some kind of hormone, which has caused testosterone production to go in to overdrive, having the result of slightly under normal levels of testosterone .

The treatment, give myself testosterone shots, the down side, I would no longer produce testosterone and would be dependent on these shots. My thoughts , I could reduce the amount of shots and take the wife's birth control pills. However, she threw them Away as soon as we got home as, we'll, they were just a motion, they weren't required. So that idea went out the window...

What transpires is. Through puberty, the testies exit the body and continue to grow in the scrotum. However, if you push them back inside your body so you can move things around to make you look flat, more woman like, then they grow malformed, hurt for the rest of you life and remove the chance of getting children.

Helen, hope your not reading this bit.. Actually, I hope you are. I said before, I believe close friends should know everything about each other. I wouldn't know how to start, telling you some of this stuff, and I would feel so strange if suddenly came out with all this stuff, you know, and then this and then that happened, which meant this.. See what I mean ?

Dear me... Sat on the loo at 9, it's now 10.09... No wonder why I have pins and needles in my legs !!