Monday, 28 May 2012

Times like these

I'm at an "event" today. It's approaching 27 deg, and I'm just sat in the shade watching people.

I just think women are so lucky, to be able to wear the clothes, dresses they wear.

There is one particular woman walking around, long blonde hair, flowery dress with just the strap around her neck, you know, not over the shoulder, full length, very light, care free.

I would give anything, really !! To be accepted wearing something like that in this weather. It makes me feel so envious of her. She is so lucky...

Wednesday, 23 May 2012


I watched a documentary on Ladyboys. It was quite interesting, how some are successful business women, singers etc, the rest are erotic dancers - or seem to be.

Why do they look so feminine, well, apparently its because they take women's contraceptive pills from an early age. this encourages bone structure and fatty cells to be placed, well, in places more associated with a female body.

I must say, for the last 10 years, I have been thinking what would happen if I started taking "the pill". There are posts stating its very dangerous because the hormone levels could be completely wrong for the male person body weight...

So, whats right, the ladyboys who have been taking them from ages of 13 onwards or the opinion of the few saying its dangerous...

Just out of interest, are you reading this ? make my day, leave me a comment

Monday, 21 May 2012

love that dress

Walking around, going in to town, walking from work to the shops, watching tv, movies, you name it, there are always beautiful women around.

I always seem to be looking at the women, but at the clothes they are wearing, the way their makeup is, not because I fancy the woman, but because im thinking about how the dress would look on me. How the makeup would look on me

Yeah, most of it would make me look like a fat bloke in a dress, but wow. I just cant thinking about it, about laving flawless smooth skin... sometimes the feeling is unbearable..

Sunday, 20 May 2012

Stop ! please stop

Just watching TV, this program, that program, they are mainly sponsored by products for women, makes up, hair products... Then, the adverts between programs, they are mainly aimed at women again, clothes, makeup...

It does what it says on the tin, it makes me want to try it, to see if it makes me beautiful, like the women in the adverts, to make me .. sexy ...

But its difficult, instead of letting go and doing what I want to do, how I want to be, i seem to have gone the other way, to give the impression that i don't feel this way, like, wear the type of shirts which are too big, to give the typical male illusion. instead of a clean shave, as I said previously, I use a beard trimmer not only to keep this illusion but also because I get a rash when i shave.

Yeah, I guess there are products out there, which will solve the rash, but my brother in law gets so much stick for using moisturizer on his face, comments that he is becoming female, I think I would over react and try to convince the accuser is wrong, but by over reacting, might leave some questions behind.

I so wish I had long hair !!!

Saturday, 19 May 2012

Its funny

Watching tv with some lesbian friends, the program had a sketch about men who cross dressing in it. I found it funny, lovely women they are, being gay, they still thought it strange for a man wanting to dress in women's clothes.

Being gay, I assumed they would be more open to stuff which wasn't seen by the "community" as normal.

Do they know about me ? Oh no ! I have kept it a secret for so long. That's what this blog is about, to let me express my self with out people who know me, knowing. not yet at least...

I do think about what my parents would think if they knew, especially my sister.


A girl sat across from me. Makeup done very nicely, good fitting leggings and top. Nice earrings...

Its surprising in my opinion, how many women / girls, dress in clothes which are too big for them. Which don't flatter their body.

That's half the reason I don't go out in any of my clothes collection, because I know I won't look any where as good as I expect women to look like.

Maybe with age eh...


Is it the woman encased in this clothing or is it the lingerie which I desire ?

It's the desire to be the person. To have that shape, which the clothing, the lingerie enforces on the wearer, to make me beautiful. But to what end? Not to entrap a man, as it is women I desire and long for, desire to be.

Tuesday, 15 May 2012

Am I my own worst enemy ?

Do I feel this way and keep feeling this way because of the marketing emails I receive ? Such as Agent Provocateur, victoria secrets for exotic lingerie, instyle for fashion trends and more and more of the same type of emails ?

The lingerie is modeled by gorgeous women and i dream about wearing it along with the dresses seen in the fashion emails, and of course Miss X

But no. Not yet. Am I ready for that step, no. I will have to just continue with my clear nail varnish, and surrender, for her body cream, which I use when I shave my chest. It makes me so ... Feminine..

Monday, 14 May 2012

Why not me ?

With out knowing ( I think, I hope ) my first girlfriend, who I kept in close contact with for many years after the relationship ended, said she once nearly tried out her make-up skills on me.

For years after, even now, I feel great sorrow that I didn't encourage her to do it.

Lately, I got a new job. The only woman there, lets call her Miss X, I can't describe how she makes me feel, even she has commented that she has put make-up on one of the other guys who worked there, just for fun.

Will the opportunity arise where she will put make-up on me? I hope so from the bottom of my heart. It wouldn't be hard to do, she cycles to work and gets changed at work so everything is already there, just need the occasion, the opportunity to rise. I hope so. Do I say something, or do I wait and see if the opportunity arises where I say oh go on then !!

Lets see what Miss X leaves around the office today, usually its lipstick or lip balm, in a bright red colour, occasionally with  face cream and eye lash curlers... hummmmmmmmm...

So, please, why not me ?

Sunday, 13 May 2012

hair problem

The main complaint I have at the moment, about my body, is my facial hair. If I have a close shave, I come out in a rash.

To overcome this, I went through a phase of plucking my beard. After a while, it didn't hurt to do it, but it was so time consuming, and I kept forgetting where I put the tweezers, so after a month that idea was dropped. Unless it is an important event, I have resided to using a beard trimmer, where it leaves 1 - 2 mm of stubble and thats is.

Can anybody suggest a treatment or something to get rid of this horrid stuff for ever, or, I guess, something to stop the rash...

So what is a male lesbian.

After creating this blog, I sat down and thought, what exactly do I want ? Why did I create this blog ? What is it for ?

Then I thought.
1. I have very limited interest in the normal male associated activities, football, beer, cars
2. I much prefer to go window shopping for dresses and lingerie than actually purchasing jeans, even when I really need a new pair of trousers.
3. I find it much easier to talk to women than men, about anything. I seem to understand them better and they understand me.
4. I cry when the hero wins the day. Erm... Did I say that out loud ???
5. I watch fashion shows and wish I had that body as the woman elegantly walks down the runway.
6 I was so disappointed when they removed FTV from Sky. I started watching the wedding channel fashion shows, and the gorgeous women in wedding gowns.

So... Am I a Normal man, I don't think so. Am I a woman in a mans body ? I don't know. Am I a Male lesbian, a woman in a mans body, but only want to have relationships with women, of all the descriptions I can see on the internet, I think this describes me best.

Why the blog.
I want to shout my feelings out, but the friends I have, I don't think would understand.
I want to talk to others who feel the same way, to prove to myself that I'm not the only one..

I welcome comments from anybody, everybody, even if its just to say hi.

Saturday, 12 May 2012

My moobs are getting ... Big

I have obtained a selection of women's lingerie over the years, and occasionally I wear it in the house. I tend to purchase lingerie, not because I want to wear it, more like, I like the feeling of the fabric and how it makes women look.

Today was different. I put it on and I actually filled the cup ! I couldn't believe it so I spent most of the day wearing it, and after carefully checking to see if it was visible under my clothes, I even ventured out, wearing the bra, which enhanced the look of my breasts, making me look just that slightly more feminine, although I think you would have to know, to be able to tell.

Hello and welcome to my life

What am I ? That's the question.

This blog is to describe what I'm going through daily.

Am I the only one feeling this way, I guess not. Do I know about anyone else ? No.

A question I have battled with for many years. Am I a man or am I a woman in a mans body?

Am I gay ? No, at least I don't think so, although some stories I have read do have a gay theme and in not totally against the idea, but 2 women or 2 men ? The women win every time.

So, this blog is to express my feelings. I expect there are many people who don't understand, and more who won't understand. Feel free to comment, as this is me comming out of my shell.