Sunday, 30 December 2012


Wow, the support I'm receiving is unbelievable. Everybody except 1 person and my mother who is still coming to terms with it, have been so supportive. I mean there must be about 20 people who know now.

Two people in particular have been out of this world. Helen, who reads this blog, takes daily comments and advises on the ' important ' stuff, generally just let's me waffle on to her. To which I'm eternally greatfull.

But, my wife's cousin's wife, she has just been so supportive, it's.. I can't describe how supportive she is. But today, I was explaining how my wife has been, her answer was... Quote

Things happen for a reason and maybe it's for the best. you have to be true to yourself. She maybe finding it hard but you have been there for her for 20 years and never once gave up. if she leaves then she leaves. it sounds hard I know but being yourself and living free will be better than living the lie. think back to the beginning of these txt's when you were lost and scared to who you are now, open trusting people that you would never have thought to trust with your most inner feelings and still your trying to think of your wife.


I replied with, if I got devorced then I would loose a great friend, her answer was I'm being stupid, she's not going anywhere


So. Unexpectedly, I have two women who want to take me shopping, one up near rugby, the other down near Brighton.

I have been told to save my pennies !

The wife said why do they want to take
Me shopping, she has no idea about what to do.

I opened the debenham's website and found a lovely purple blouse. Looking at it, it is ideal for wearing to work, the only difference is, it's purple, I have only started wearing coloured shirts in the last month, and it has long sleeves where for the last 2 years I have had short sleeves, and the buttons do up the other side...

Hum... The price is slightly out of my range but now she knows what I'm looking for, charity shops here we come. I'm quite excited. I emailed the cousin's wife with a link and she agreed it was the perfect starter blouse for me. I wonder if I will manage to get one to wear to the first meeting...

Ill be glad when...

With the family telling the wife how it is in no uncertain terms, she kept repeating that she could not sleep with a woman.

We had an argument today, she kept repeating that I had lied to her and she doesn't want to sleep with a woman.

So we got a bit deeper, it's she doesn't want to sleep with me if I don't have male parts, so it revolves around her sex life.

Now don't forget, I can't have kids, and it hurts me when we have sex, I always get sores and pain, so it is all for her. I have had no enjoyment at all in this 'procedure' not for the last 15 years.

The argument included that and that I have already made my mind up although the first councillor session is on Thursday. So my response was that her answer to everything is that she doesn't want to sleep with a woman, which could be 3 - 4 years down the road. It's not going to change tomorrow, I'm not going to suddenly grow breasts and change over night.

The result was that she will wait, wait to see how it pans out.

I just want this to start. To let me out once and for all to see.

Saturday, 29 December 2012

A good day for me but...

Went to swap presents with the wife's auntie. Nothing was said for 15-20 minutes then while opening presents, a war story book, she said if she had known about my problem, then she would have got a more girly type book. Problem ? Made me smile. Then the questions started, nothing too deep, but then the wife started saying what she felt and the whole conversation changed to trying to put my wife at ease. Their idea about what was going on was spot on. And what they were telling my wife was spot on too, although my wife wasn't listening.

It was a good start.

So then we went to her cousin, and when the husband left to watch the football, I took in to a different room and told her.

What followed was unexpected. She had a go at my wife. She really laid in to her. Why are you saying this, why are you saying that, it's not going to happen tomorrow, etc etc. then she said your hoping / expecting this to be a fantasy and it will be over soon. But it won't. This is how it's going to be. Stop looking at options where you remain the woman and he (me) remains the man. It is not an option !!! She said this time and time again in response to answers my wife was giving.

Then she said it could be fun, to go shopping together. Wife said what, and he changes in the woman's changing rooms ? No, purchase a selection of clothes and try them on at home. Then she looked at me and said if the wife won't, then she will go clothes shopping with me...

The hug when we left came with a whispered well done and be strong.

Thanks !

Friday, 28 December 2012

That's better

It's surprising, the difference in varnish hardness.

I have started using a base layer when doing my nails. Usually I spend half hour picking the existing polish off, then use remover, wash then reapply.

But with the base layer, they are more shiny and the varnish is more harder, I couldn't even scrape the varnish off so with in 10 minutes, the remover came out.

Yeah, ok, so washed, shaped, smoothed, buffed then polished before the base coat is applied, before the varnish. I'm happy with the result ;-) once it has stopped smelling of solvent, ill put another coat on before visiting the wife's auntie tomorrow.


So. My wife's auntie knows. I had a chat to her earlier, it was more or less a one way conversation, saying everybody is different, it must have been hard keeping it secret all this time. I'm always welcome. Will always be me in their eyes....

She is desperate to tell the rest of the family, but will keep quiet until I have seen the councillor.

Listening in Starbucks

Sat here, the people next to us are talking loud, about a girl with behaviour issues.

Apparently an employee but, the emotions they are talking about are very similar to what my wife and mother are feeling.

It is interesting, the reaction from this woman, answering the questions ( and what seems to be her husband ) along with another woman (asking questions and setting senerios ). It was interesting to listen to, although I don't think it's transgender related.

Gives me a bit of a idea on how to handle this a but more...

But your not girly

My sister had watched a sitcom where a man had the operation and was fully female, but was regretting it. She told mum who late last night had a chat with me

Your sister spoke to me about ... Are you sure this is what you want ? I'd understand it more if you were girly but your not.

I explained that's exactly why I'm seeing the councillor, to determine exactly what I am,

She said that maybe I feel I don't fit in and I'm clutching at straws, trying to find something where I fit in, and this isn't the way...well, yes, she is half right. I don't fit in. But I do feel this to be the right thing to do.

Roll on the appointment !

Thursday, 27 December 2012

They are so lucky

I mean the men, the women, who don't go through this.

I mean, what is it like to know your in the right body, the right sex ?

What is it like, being a man, not to want breasts ? The body, the figure, the bonding, Not to need to be accepted as the other sex, the other gender?

I have hidden these feelings so deep for so long. Only letting them out occasionally, when its safe, when I'm alone. It's frightening, how I'm feeling now.

Then, when I'm alone, and I don't explore my feelings, I get so depressed. So I have surrounded myself with games, videos, program's, all to keep me occupied, so I don't have time to think, to dress, to want me to be me. But in the back of my mind, it's always there, the adverts on tv, for that special dress, the makeup, perfume, always there, reminding me what I really want.

They are so lucky not to go through this, to want this.

Up and down

It's been very emotional, I really don't know what to do. This is what I want, to be a woman, it's what I have always wanted.

Mum said that I didn't do anything girly when I was young, but... But then said I spent all my time with a girl who came out around 95 as gay, and the time I was at home, I spent away from the family, up in my bedroom.

So although she didn't see anything, I spent my time with a girl who was gay, and kept away from the family...

Walking around town now, over in the West Country, I remember vivid memory's of us going in to shops and clothes shopping, meaning from lingerie to dresses.

Does this girl have a lasting impression on me ? I don't know, but I know I miss it.

As for my mum, I can see tears in her eyes when we are alone. I wish I hadn't told her just yet, and had got all the info together first. But she knows now, and is supportive. I need to get some info to her as soon as I can and formulate a way to break it to my brother and dad.

Tuesday, 25 December 2012


So, Christmas Day and I came out to my mum. Initially she seemed fine, but after sleeping on it, we had another chat, she thinks it will destroy the family if I came out to my dad. And if I started HRT then he would notice the changes when I visit.

My wife said she can't believe how calm mum was, like it didn't matter. I really don't know what to do.

Sunday, 23 December 2012

This is going to be hard.

Wife asked today, when we first made love, why did it happen, didn't I, a man, get turned on by her, being a woman.

I said no. She then jumped in and asked why it happened then.

The only thing I could say was I was attracted to her, I didn't think anything about being male, that didn't come in to it. It was me being attracted to her. That led on to me being male at that time and...

It's getting harder, she has an idea, but won't budge. She asks questions but doesn't listen to the answer..

She will come around

Restless night last night.

We are talking more now, I showed my wife the info from the chrysalis website and all she could say was that the website said 3 years, I said 4. This is about the final gender reassignment op. that's if I decide to go the whole way. Yeah, I want to but if she is to remain by my side I have to suggest something male will remain. I know these are guidelines, could take longer, or could happen sooner, but once she gets an idea, that's how the world works until you physically prove otherwise

Especially as almost every other sentence is 'I married a man with a dick not a woman.'

Talking to friends, they encourage me to be me, saying she will come around. I'm not sure. Not with out a lot of support an councelling.

Saturday, 22 December 2012

Time is so slow

I have long hair, growing longer every day. I wear nail varnish and lynx for women deodorant daily.

The time reference refers to my wife. She is still not ready to see me in womens clothing despite the above, ok it's not much but it's there and she knows.

I was going to wear my bra today, one which actually fits me, but it appears that that my wife may have thrown it away, I expect, around the time when she found my lingerie and I came out to her

That was depressing. It took so long to find one which fitted and now I can't find it.

But it re-enforces that she is not ready. And I so want to purchase a gorgeous fleece like top, just for wearing in the house. Something I would be happy wearing In front of my parents...

Oh I want this to start. I want to be free to live the life I want

So, started out a good day

So far so good. Spare part for my car, work done - £420 part only - £359, reconditioned and self fit £40 hummmmmm

I have been talking to the wife's cousin's wife again. All is good. Apparently I shave more than she does ! I'm glad we are talking again. Just feels... Feels right.

She assured me the people they have told will not tell anybody, and said that they were surprised how accepting the aunties were about it... Well, we will find out when we do the Christmas presents swap...

Not looking forward to it because I have seen the reaction or was on the phone to everybody who has been told, but I wasn't when the aunties were told so I don't know how they reacted.. Wish me luck !

Friday, 21 December 2012

Control freak

I knew exactly who knew and who didn't know about me.

Now I feel I don't have that control. I don't know who is 'safe' to talk to. And I haven't personally had assurance they won't tell anybody. That is what frightens me.

I know after January, that it could be open completely for all to know, but likewise, it could all be a wild fantasy. And if it is a fantasy, I don't know how I could face My wife's family...

Someone to talk to

3rd jan is so far away.

I feel so lonely at the moment. I had a type of apology from my wife's cousin's wife for allowing her husband, the wife's cousin, to tell the family.

All she said was she's pleased that my appointment came through and hoped I was still talking to her. And I lost it. I said I felt betrayed, lonely, you name it, Every way i felt, I said it.

She said sorry and the reason they did what they did. I said I felt disappointed and betrayed. And all he had to do Is say what he was going to do.

And she said sorry again. Each reply she sent, she said she was there for me. Which I really needed to hear. I mean, there are only 2 people who have seen me in my dress, who know me, the real me, she is one, Helen is the other. Both gave positive comments ... Which meant so much to me. Knowing I had someone to talk to.

Then the 'betrayal' happened and I needed them to reach out first.

Now the impulsive me has kicked in again and I so want to txt back about my day, about the clothes I want to buy, my hair, I even nearly very nearly got my ears perced... !!! Me !!! NO !!! Too TOO soon...

But I have my friend back.

The others

And the others are appearing.

According to the husband of one if the 5 I txt, we shouldn't be telling anybody, not until I have had my assessment.

I'm sorry. My wife is suffering, because she is keeping my secret. It's only right that she can feel at ease talking to friends with our feeling she is betraying my trust.

Time well spent

There are a good 15 people who know now. Today I was glad they did.

When I woke, my wife was already awake, I could tell she wasn't happy, actually she had tears.

We had a quick chat and I had to leave for work.

I txt 5 of the women I have spoken to, the close ones, asking them to call my wife, to make sure she is ok. Explaining what had happened with her friend and me. They were all to happy to call. One by one I received txt saying they had called, offered advice and listened to her concerns.

After the 4th, I called her and she sounded happy.

So the time I took (and money purchasing coffee and cake - especially the cake !) turned out to be priceless. I'm so glad she has these friends, who she can fall back on to help her when needed.

Now, I have another to tell, and this one should talk sense in to the neighbour who caused this anguish.

However, I guess I should get used to it, as there are going to be others...

Thursday, 20 December 2012

That was unexpected

C told my wife that she doesn't like me any more.

I really do not know how to feel.

I know that there will be people who don't / won't understand. I know C is unreasonable most of the time, she believes the world works in one way, and there is nothing on this earth which will change her mind.

I know you can explain something to her in the easiest terms even a baby would understand, but she won't. We have learnt to ... Well, live with it.

But to turn around and say she doesn't like me based on what happened to someone else, that was unexpected.


I told my sister today.

She laughed

I gave her the URL to my web page, and she said OMG your serious ... And she would never have known.

We discussed it briefly and she said in our generation. It's not unheard of, unexpected but not unheard of.

She thinks mum will understand but will take time to accept, dad will not understand, and my brother will think I'm taking the p***

So, if it comes to it, I think I will tell mum, alone, dad and bro can find out as I change...

I never, or, very rarely talk to my dad on the phone, and even then it's blunt, strait to the point and brief where as I talk to Mum for at lease 45 minutes every week...

So, my wife's family know. A member of my family knows...

I thought it was getting out of hand, too many people know, but it's so much, so so so much easier with people knowing. I feel at ease with them around...

Out of all the people we have told, 1 why did you tell me, 1 that's the friendship lost and the remaining 14 have been so supportive.

That's the end

My wife is very close to two neighbours, over the past couple of weeks they have become very concerned. I said previous that she gets tearfully and again she wouldn't say why.

So they assumed either I have met someone else, I'm gay, devorce etc etc.

to stop this my wife persuaded me to go over and tell them.

C - that's it then.
Me - sorry ?
C - I have seen this before. If you do this, then you will get divorced and move away
Me - oh
C - there must be something I can do to stop you changing
Me - not really
C - there must be something. I don't want to loose your friendship.....

We called the second neighbour down and told her
K - right... So, when you get dressed up, give me a call. And we will go out on the town.
C - but they are going to get devorced
K - ? Are you ?
Me - no plans
K - so what's the problem,
C - I've seen it before, this is what's going to happen
K - oh. Right... Have you seen the rocky horror show ?
Wife - the what
Me - no but would love to
K - next time it's in town, we will go...

So... What a contrast in options... Great !

Wednesday, 19 December 2012

A good day today.

Today has been good. I received my appointment, three more friends know what's happening and their support is out if this world.

I feel like I want to shout it to the world, so I don't have to hide any more. The feeling is unreal. Unbelievable. I'm on a high. And I don't want it to stop.

The support is amazing

So, wife is stressing out. To help her, I met up with two of her friends.

One said its cool, did I see the documentary on tv the other night. Yeah, she is in to anything that's different...

The other said in hindsight, there is a ora about me, an alkwardness, which she could see has lifted.

They were both so supportive. And knew how the wife was reacting, and said they are there for her so its all coming in to place. I feel so happy inside.

Hum..... My parents.... Hummmmmmm

Bbc test

So, tried the bbc test. Again all the results pointed to female, although the overall score was 1% male... 1% !!! Ok, it's late and I'm tried. Will have to try that one again, but it's interesting...

2 tests, one strongly suggests female, the other 1% male. The way I feel, I'm certainly female !

Sage test

Hum. So kind of confirmed. A score of 570, suggesting overall I am feminine. Appearance is androgynous as is my brain processes, socialise in a female manner. I appear to have major conflicts about my gender and it believes I'm male to female transsexual in transition.

All this from a test written 2002. Ok, taken with a pinch of salt but, well, if it can come to that conclusion in 160 questions...

Actually I feel relieved. I don't feel I'm making this up now. I feel it's real.

Think it's time to open the port !

Tuesday, 18 December 2012

My wife

She turned around and said she isn't in to women, that she doesn't want to go around with me if I look like a woman.

She said she doesn't think we will stay together if I went through with it.

I just hope the councelling for her works,

but, I was getting prepaired for getting divorced in a year as the reasons we are still together will have completed.

Our marriage was based on a promise. I promised to marry her if she resumed medical tests which has improved her quality of life, and now, we promised 5 years ago, to stay together due to financial commitments but they complete in about a year. So, I was planning this all to happen in a year, but she found my lingerie and I couldn't , wouldn't lie any more. So, yes, I don't want her to go, but on the other hand, I expected her to go in a year.

So, what do I do... Agh!!!

I have a name

I have looked at hundreds of girls names and found one.

The friends I have spoken to suggested I stay with a name starting with the same letter as my male name, mainly because it means I don't have to worry about official docs etc.

I said that I needed to change it completely to show I am dedicated to the change, to becoming a woman. Ok I haven't thought about changing my last name but I'm 100% sure about my first name.

I love it actually .

It's all the time.

How do I explain this. One of the 3 women is in office, this one sits behind me. She is Spanish, her English is getting better day by day. Anyhow, I seem to be acting more how she acts, reacts. On all accounts, the word girly would fit. I am very conscious that I'm doing this...

It's like, everything I do, I do to my best ability, my nails, hair ( which really upsets me when it doesn't look right ! It so does ! ) dress ( not in male clothes so to blend in with the others - you know just chuck it on ) but now I feel I'm starting to mimic her manner, her way of expressing feelings.

It's nice in one way but frightening in another, is it too much too quick ??

But I'm not in to women

Which I suppose is a valid statement from my wife. She had been talking to the same person I had, who kept saying we needed to talk, as my wife is avoiding talking about it.

She doesn't see how it would help her If she saw councelling too, as she isn't in to women. It sounded that her main conserned is the opinion of others, not what she actually thinks.

Again it was 'you must see the Dr' . I know if anything is going to progress then I have to see the Dr but I need to talk to someone about it first. I need to clear my mind and make sure it is right. Although I know myself it is right, I don't know if I am strong enough to handle rejection from people who do not understand, and jt is that which frightens me.

Monday, 17 December 2012

Chinese whispers

There are about 12 -13 people who know. That includes 4 men. Out if the men, One states, what you have tole me doesn't make me think your a woman. Ok, so I might not be able to answer your questions how you want them answered but this is me. Another said out of all the men he knows then he thinks I would be the most feminine one, the third had a few questions but didn't want to pry which was ok, he was glad I didn't fancy him. The 4th, haven't spoken to him.

The women, it's like they welcome me with open arms. Each and every one has been supportive. There are 3 who I owe my sanity to, Helen, a relative on my wife's side and a friend of my wife. Between them they allow me to just waffle along talking about everything and nothing.

Earlier, When I got depressed, I was able to talk to one and then when she went, Helen was there to pick up the remaining bits and we played on the games console. Which took my mind off things until the wife got home.

I just want to let me out so badly, it hurts. It really does. But I have to consider if this hurt is more or is less than the hurt I might get from people who don't understand.

It's not the fall

My wife is out, I expect to be in bed before she gets home.

I hate it. Being alone, in this body. With no distractions because it depresses me. When the wife is around, I have to carry on, I have to hide me - well, not any longer, but I hide me.

When alone, I want to be me, wear my blue dress, and relax, but I can't. I don't want her to walk in on me in my dress just yet, she isn't ready. Yes. She has seen it and my high heel ankle boots are in plane sight. But that is as far as its gone so far.

I want so much to let me out and be me, it hurts. I feel the life just drain out of me when I'm alone. If I'm alone for a long period, a whole night or so then I dress properly, and I'm happy, but it's the lonely evenings where there isn't time to get dressed and relax, when I start thinking how it should be, will I be accepted as me.

I want to get this started. I want the counselling to start. I want to let me out and let me be free.. Please

Sunday, 16 December 2012

So right.

My wife went to meet up with a group of women to go running. I had to drive which was ok. And waited there for them to get back.

So there was me, the hosts husband and 12 women. He said he wasn't sure if he was afraid or thrilled to be surrounded in women.

Me, it just felt right, felt like I belonged there. For the first time I was able to join in the conversation, talk about what they were talking about with out feeling that I'm showing too much of myself. No, nobody there knew my secret.

When we got home, I discussed it with my wife. She said that she was thinking that I was the only man there, but that I'm a woman, which was ok but not ok..

It made me feel we are getting there. She is slowly getting used to the idea.

Saturday, 15 December 2012

12 monkeys

Ok monkeys might be the wrong word but, 12 people know.

My wife spoke to her cousin and when she was asked if she was ok, she started crying. This is not unusual, however when questioned, the response, to talk to me, that was unusual. This went around the family like wild fire and I received a call from a close cousin. Close meaning she was aware of the problems we were having and was always there for me, although she is related to the wife's side of the family.

To cut a long story short, I showed them the web site I wrote to avoid this situation. All she said was oh wow. And wished me luck.

It didn't end there. That was around 4:30. We finished talking via text at 10pm. She made up a story to tell the family which went down like a lead balloon but, it should keep them off our back for the time being.

We discussed makeup tips, clothing, you name it, we discussed it.

I'm so greatful that so far everybody who have been told, have been so supportive.

Just random thoughts

After last night, I still feel so relaxed and, open.

We ended up in the body shop again, I said with the condition that I choose what I want, not what she thinks I should have. She looked at me strangely but agreed.

I'm kind of disappointed that all the body butters etc, don't have added vitamins or 'something' but I do believe it is because of this butter that my 'breasts' are at the size they are, and in time, I hope they will grow to be proper female breasts.

I have resumed shaving my face too, and I do see a female looking back at me from the mirror. It is just so right.

what a great feeling

I went out for a meal tonight, along with some of my wifes friends. in cluding us, there were 4 women and 2 men. Out of that, only one woman wasnt aware of me.

the woman i was sat next to when approprate, we just made quick comments, on how i was feeling, and clothing, it felt nice to be able to discuss this with someone i knew.

After the meal, they invited us (all) back for coffee. Nothign was said,  it was just the 5 of us, talking, and i felt so accepted, so relaxed. She even commented that she could tell a difference in me, that i looked relaxed. I did.

she asked how i managed to repress this all this time, I just showed her my twitter account, and said, this kept me sane. shortly after I found the corset i like, and said, if you ever want to get me a christmas pressent, this is what i would like and she laughted, followed by, do I have any clothing. to which I answered yes, some.

At the end of the night, she hugged me, and the tears just flowed. I felt, right, I felt this was me. I felt accepted.

If only she knew about this blog, and how well i felt tonight went. There are again no words to describe my feelings on how good it felt.

Thursday, 13 December 2012

bar staff

There was a girl, serving, she looked very prity. I spent most of the time when she was around, looking at her face, more to the point, the bone structure, her cheeks, hair, how it differs from men, what (if anything) i would need to change to look at prity as she did.

Its the same as the women in the office, I sit there watching, thinking how i would have to change to be able to wear the same kind of clothes they wore. Makeup, well, thats different, its just a matter of learing how to wear it but the clothes, Im ... oh i just want to ... to ... be accepted wearing stuff like they do, to be accepted wanting nothing but what women want, have and to hold

happy happy happy

Got an email, then another, and another, from Chysalis, they are going to forward my details to a councillor. Hurray...

Spoke to them via several emails, even got invited to a christmas supper, but unfortnatly im busy, going to another christmas meal. i dont know if I would have gone but... it was nice to have been invited, Thank you....

You can talk to me

said my director. I have told him a few days ago that i will be seeing a councillor soon, and that i will try to arrange the appointments for when im working from home.

As we were talking, people were moving around talking to others, which left me alone with the company director. He said that his phone is always on, that i can call at any time, to chat about anything. he said that one employee left due to stress, and it turned out he just wanted to "bitch" about customers, which would have releived the stress, and he would have proberly remained employed.

He then said, in his experiance men try to fix things, and women want to "bitch" about things. If i ever needed to bitch about anthing then his phone is always on, and i could call at any time.

Nice of him to say, but.. hang on, women bitch and if i want to bitch about anything... ?? whos told him ? own up ! come on, tell me now !!

I tried to explain that it wasnt work related, but i thought if i said its a good thing, and with the long hair, varnished nails then he might have put things together... which i dont want just yet.

yes no yes no yes .... no

Well, i was getting stressed out at the christmas party. around 40 pepople, all eating, drinking, being merry.

I started thinking this is the best time. the best occasion to come out to the company, to let them know what to expect in the comming months...

but no, i decided against it at the last moment. Good idea or bad idea ? i dont know, only time will tell.


I'm here. Hello. I'm in a crowd of 40 people, 6 are women ( Don't know why I said that ) and I feel so alone.

Torture again.

I know, I know I won't look anything as gorgeous as the two women in office today, but, I so wish I was in their shoes, to be them.

To be accepted wearing the clothes they are wearing, the makeup.... To be accepted as me.

Party time

Yes. Company Christmas party day.

I doubt it very much, bit I wonder if anybody will make any connection to the manicured varnished nails and long hair, but it will be interesting.

Then again, I have my hair styling products and a nightie with me incase I need a hotel room for the night ;-)


I feel content. My wife seems more relaxed about things. I'm recording ladyboys with out having the feeling I need to watch and delete it before she wakes.

I haven't received the email they said they would send but that's ok. They contacted me, they know where I live ( actually they do ) so dont panic. I have waited this long so a few more days wont harm.

I have a great bunch of friends who know, who question my motives, which is causing me to confirm my feelings, to make sure it's not the idea, the glamour of womanhood I want, but to be a true woman in every way.

And it's happening, 12:10 on the 12th day of the 12th month of 2012, my birthday.ok, if they called a few hours earlier, the actual time of my birth, I would have died and gone to heaven... But that would have been the middle of the night so, ill let them off. :-)

Oh I'm so happy. Things are coming together...

Wednesday, 12 December 2012

Step 2

Chrysalis called.

I had just sent an email to them to confirm my phone number and with in minutes, they called back.

Wish me luck.

Strangely, they called at 12:10 12th 12th 2012.... Spooky. I start my official journey in to my enlightenment at this time

Me being me

So. Yes. Me being me. I really let my guard down yesterday. I let my feelings really control the situation and it really hit me.

I have put so much effort in to avoiding situations which resulted in me feeling I had inflicted so much pain on someone, I had forgotten how I get, and it hurt me deeply, to think I had hurt, caused pain, pressure to Helen.

We played last night, and yes, I avoided killing her, yet made every effort to be in a place to allow her to kill me. And felt soo much better.

Today, she wished me happy birthday, so i think all is good again.

I just have to be more careful.

Tuesday, 11 December 2012

No oh no...

It was a long time ago, I was pushed and in turn I knocked my gf at that time over.

The result was a small cut, but there was so much blood.

It took me out emotionally, I cried, yeah, in French class. I had to leave the class I was feeling so bad.

I haven't felt like that, until today. I was talking to Helen, expressing my thoughts like I have over the past week or so, and, I could see the more I was talking, the more she was getting stressed, having a lot to do and contend with me. knowing how I can be, it just washed over me, the guilt of stressing her further, disturbing her from her work, you name it, I feel that I have caused discontentment ( not sure if that's the right word ).

Even my attempts of trying to improve things was having the opposite effect. And made things worse. I just could not bear to loose her as a friend.

I just feel so ... Agh !

You must tell your parents!

Slowly slowly she is coming to understand.
Your not going to have you hair in a pony with me around .. Fair enough as she doesn't like that either.
Go and get it styled properly.! What ? Didn't expect that !

You have to tell your parents!
Right, stop right there. I explained the time had to be right. And that she only knows because she found my clothes and I didn't want to lie any more. I said that I had been planning to tell her soon, but she pushed my hand.

I think she understood.

She said they will know, the hair, nails. I said no one notices. I have been wearing nail varnish for a long time and pointed out she didn't know.

She said but that's clear. I think she understood when I said, I do it to make me feel more me, complete. Not to shout to the tallest steeple and tell everybody.

Friday will be interesting. Going for a meal where her friends ( who know ) will be there with their husbands...

Monday, 10 December 2012


My secret is out. Wife has told 2 of her friends and her Dr.

One of her friends said she considered f2m transition when she was young so I think that helped.

Her Dr said I should make an appointment with a male Dr.

I think I need to see how this appointment with chrysalis ( if any ) comes out.

Becca, I understand what your saying. I'm having the same arguments I mean discussions with Helen, who has been a great help.

She keeps telling me things which I already know but choose to ignore, and forces me to think about how I'm approaching this.

Please don't stop commenting, as I expect you both are saying virtually what any Dr or councillor would say, and its making me think about things, preparing me. Thanks

The first step

Called Chrysalis today.

I was shaking. I managed to say my name, that I needed to talk to someone and my phone number.

I came back in to the office to tell Helen I had called, and... I couldn't type, I was shaking that much.

First step done. If I don't hear from them tomorrow, I'll call again. Or send an email.


I caught up with her on my way to work. We talked, she asked questions, I answered as honestly as I could. Which relaxed things.

She asked about my ex, I said yes this is why we were so close, it wasn't so much I wanted to be with her, but I wanted to be her.

She said about putting x at the end of messages. Which led me to describe what a man is to me. Someone who has short hair, beard and doesn't do things like putting x on the end of messages. If I was to pass as a man then I felt I had to do all these things. And do them consistently .

I think we have a very long way to go but it's another step in the right direction.

The wife.

She said you are a woman while she watched me shape and buff my nails yesterday.

Last night I put varnish on them (clear) and today we said something which lead me to saying my nails are shiner than hers.

That led her to start screaming at me, words that imply I am gay, not normal, you name it, she said it, a good 10 minutes of screaming.

She ended up saying I can feel like a woman, but there is no way she is going to let me look like one with her.

I thought we were making progress. I really did. She now wants me to see the dr with her today.. Aghhhhh !!!!!!

I'm reviewing the situation

Sounds like a line out of Oliver Twist !

Every few days I re-read what I have written, to reaffirm how I'm feeling. If im going to do what i plan to do today, i need to be 100% sure its what i want.

I can see that there are occasions where I'm repeating myself. Might not be using the same words but the feeling, the emotion in the writing is the same.

It's now down to... An answer phone. I hate answer phones, almost as much as confrontation, which I will avoid as much as possible.

Sunday, 9 December 2012


Reading about HRT treatment, it can cause you to get emotional and tearful

Just watched Elf ! And did the tears fall. I am more tearful than my has ever been !

Men an things

Why did I panic the other day ? I don't know. I think it was more to do with the sudden realisation that I had once kissed a boy, and I was surrounded by men.

The sudden feeling that I had once felt that way, was overwhelming and I didn't know what to do. It scared me.

I strongly believe that it is the person you actually fall for, the physical attributes help at the beginning but its how you are with each other is the deciding factor.

I am very open with my ideas and wants, which I don't see in my male friends, only in other females. I think this is why I can and want to write this blog, because of my desire to share and interact so openly. To share my feelings.

I feel the reason for the 3, yeah, 3 subsequent relationships I had after that first kiss was not because I wanted to be with those women, but I wanted to be those women, to experience the social life they had, to interact with other women. As I found it so much easier to talk to women than men.

I just didn't and still don't feel I have anything in common with men.

And then... Reading some more about trans'x' - there's a lot to read... But, it seems that these feelings are normal for a woman, and women bond with other women so much easier than men bonding with men.

I think it is because of this that I found it right and feeling natural in to share this with Helen. And this is because I am a woman.

Oh no !

So, twitter has sent me recommendations based on what is followed by one of the people I follow...

What if it sends them recommendations based on what I follow... Crap !!!

But don't buy a dress

My father as usual, is paying for the fuel to go and visit over Christmas, he rang to say its on its way.

'But don't go out and buy a dress with it, I mean don't let 'wife' spend it on a dress..'

A simple mistake, but made me smile :-)


After talking to Helen, I looked at the two recommendations again, but neither suggested gender issues so I was on the search for something.

About 1:30am I found this site, took down the details ready to call. The meeting place is actually located at one of the recommended venues, so they are kind of interlinked

Last nights sleep was very broken. Kept waking up, thinking how do I tell work, friends and more importantly, family.

I have a plan. I need to call these people first. Then I'm going to tell my sister, at Christmas, privately. I think she ( the tomboy she use to be ) would understand, and could prepare me and my parents for what is going to happen. Then work, as its a small company, I think it will be easier to tell my director, and as all the info I have read suggested, then let him handle the rest.

Yes, there's a woman still in the mirror but she's afraid. But it is something I must do, to prove to my self that either I am a woman, or a bloke in a dress.

I'm betting on the woman, especially after the feelings I have had in the last few days

it was a good day.

Talking to Helen tonight, she had to be carefull of what she said because her husband was in the room. So while my wife went to a neighbours for a hour, we had a chat, under the cover of playing on the games console. yeah we were playig, she was killing me more than i was playing...  :-)

I thanked her for her advice and she said she didnt offer any. I think its more to do with having someone to tell, someone who will listen, and let me waffle and nudge me in the right direction.

I wrote this blog to give me the chance to voice my feelings, but, now I realise that i needed someone to talk to rather than just write in hope that someone will comment.

ha, im listening to music, the track playing is "how long has this been going on"... I think I have confirmed, all my life, but due to family pressures, and other surroundings, I have never really progressed it, but instead, I repressed the feelings and urges.

I have decided to take it to the next level, to get perfessional advice. (as i put in my last post ?) but im conserned, I have been thinking about work, how they would take it, and family and friends, and it is conserning. I can imagine how i would take it, but well, you just dont know until you are faced with that situation.

I just dont beleive how good i have felt the last few days. Ok, i have felt paranoid now and again that I have overloaded Helen with info, and shes not going to get back to me, but I think I have come to terms with that and to just go with the flow.

Saturday, 8 December 2012

Thankyou dear wife

She made my day. I use body shop candied ginger body butter ( when I shave my chest / legs ) which she got me. ( although she doesn't know where I use it ) Anyway I'm running low so, as she got it for me, I said we need more.

So, body shop here we come. No, that range ended. So she's on the hunt now for something that smells slightly the same....

Boots... Yes madam, we have ginger body butter.

but that's for women.

Yes madam.

Where's the men's ?

We don't do body butter for men.

Oh, the body shop does. What do you do for men ?

This madam, non perfumed, scent free.

Oh, he wants something which smells of ginger or something similar


So outside the shop I laughed, and said the body butter she got me is women's and she is 100% convinced it's 'uni-sex'. It says so on the tub, she says...
Hehehe - no it doesn't ;-)


Stop feeling so good. It's not normal and it shows!
Drawing too much attention from the wife who doesn't agree with what I'm going through

Going out

Our Saturday ritual is coffee in Starbucks. My wife comes in daily with her friends and gets all the loyalty points which by the end of the week, gets me a free coffee.

Anyway that's besides the point.

I went to get ready, brushed my hair, and ... A woman looked back at me from behind the mirror.

Is this happening too fast ? I don't know,let my defences down, no. Shot them down with a wrath and a ghost, and now I feel I'm at the stage to see someone, see a gender therapist, get a professional's opinion.

Someone suggested a couple of self refer places in town so. 1 2 3 jump

Twitter me this

Oh wow.
Just received an email from twitter and my heart fluttered. Recommending people and companies to follow.

Please. People who follow my 'male' twitter account, please please don't look at who I follow.

Twitter has recommended another 15 or so fashion, corset and lingerie accounts to follow making a total of around 45-50. Not including the 5 or 6 technology accounts I follow.

Maybe I should move them to my feminine account .

Oh that made me feel ... Lovely in side. Right, to twitter, lets see what these new accounts have in store

As the days pass

I'm letting go of the restraints I have, as time passes. I have always felt at ease with and around women, trying to put things at ease if there were know, placing my hand on her shoulder as a way to say, it will be ok.

But being in this body, I came to understand that wasn't always the message which was received and I was told in no uncertain terms, to stop being so touchy feely. So, I have repressed the urge to console, to show consideration as much as I use to, but its coming back, the me I use to be is returning, thanks to this blog, to Helen.

This is me, I like me. Watch out world, here I come.

Oh come on...

Singing in the shower now, to the ministry of sound radio... How ? I don't know ! I'm just making squeaks in time with the beat !

On my mind

It must have been about 2000 when I found out that I couldn't have children.

We went for the normal investigations and apparently I have something wrong down there which is causing my brain to produce some kind of hormone, which has caused testosterone production to go in to overdrive, having the result of slightly under normal levels of testosterone .

The treatment, give myself testosterone shots, the down side, I would no longer produce testosterone and would be dependent on these shots. My thoughts , I could reduce the amount of shots and take the wife's birth control pills. However, she threw them Away as soon as we got home as, we'll, they were just a motion, they weren't required. So that idea went out the window...

What transpires is. Through puberty, the testies exit the body and continue to grow in the scrotum. However, if you push them back inside your body so you can move things around to make you look flat, more woman like, then they grow malformed, hurt for the rest of you life and remove the chance of getting children.

Helen, hope your not reading this bit.. Actually, I hope you are. I said before, I believe close friends should know everything about each other. I wouldn't know how to start, telling you some of this stuff, and I would feel so strange if suddenly came out with all this stuff, you know, and then this and then that happened, which meant this.. See what I mean ?

Dear me... Sat on the loo at 9, it's now 10.09... No wonder why I have pins and needles in my legs !!

hurray im normal

Define normal. Am I normal, are you ? Helen, yeah, thats what I will call my friend, Helen. So, I have deep conversations with Helen, she is adoreable, listens, and advises...

I came across this website tonight, which rearly is just repeating what Helen has discussed with me. hearing it from Helen first put my mind at rest, then reading this, just made me so greatful for having such a great, open minded friend. If only the rest of my friends will be the same, especially my wife, who strongly believes im a man and can not be anything else.

I have strong ideas how some of my friends will react, K, i think will laugh and not take it seriously. But, im sure, after time, they will come to understand.

The more i think about this, the more i see in my self that i am a woman, the way im considerate, sensitive, extreamly sensitive, i will do anthing to avoid confrontation and inflicting any pain in any form on anyone else.

Did I say i was sensitive ? I mean, this includes when i talk to people, i worry that i have siad the wrong thing, or its not been understood in the way intended.

But, Im normal, and Helen is there for me, who I beleive has a true understanding of what im going through.

Friday, 7 December 2012

The following program contains adult themes and emotions

Star Trek the original series !
Made me smile. Thanks Syfy channel

Men and women

I said previously, I get depressed if I'm left to my own devices, well, I started to try and discover when I started feeling this way.

I can remember like it was yesterday, a boy in my school, at the age of when it was fun to play kiss tag. Yeah. 5 years old. I can remember vividly pinning him against a wall and kissing him. It never happened again, and never spoken of again then he moved away 8 years later.

Thinking about that and what I'm going through now, I just felt intense emotion. Then the strangest thing happened, I started looking at the guys in a different way and that really shocked and frightened me. It was an emotion and feeling I have never felt, which brought tears to my eyes.

So, with an emotion I had never felt, with feelings about other men I had never had (35 years) and the thought of my new found friend was off line was just too much and I was finding it hard to handle.

Eventually I sent an IM to her in hope she would call when she read it, and she replied.

We talked about it for a good hour and we concluded that I need to take this a step further, I agreed I need to see a councillor and talk about what I'm going through.

I don't know what I would have done if she wasn't there. If I hadn't taken the risk to let her in. I don't think I would be at this stage of self discovery. Thank you. Something I'm saying a lot, but I really mean it. I think I need to make a name for her on here:-) something to keep her anonymous...

And down to earth

With a bump.

I have kept this a secret, for so long. The urge to act, look and be a woman.

The feeling of release, acceptance, when I told my friend, that alone was life altering.

So much, I made changes to my gamer profile, make me look more fem last night.

Today I asked if she noticed the changes, they were just small changes, if you really looked then you would see it.

She said it looks fine, nothing major, you wouldn't know, but to be careful how much i change things as some people won't be supportive and society has a long way to go before its fully accepted. And again she is right.

So here I am, eating fast food, alone, thinking what the next step is. How I should handle the questions about my long hair, you know. The usual stuff.

I wish the impulsive side of me wasn't so impulsive. But I'm so happy that I have found a friend. Who, as hoped, pointed out that I'm being stupid and to think about what I'm doing as once done, there's no turning back

Then a woman passes by wearing the exact clothing I want to wear and the circle starts again....

Honey tea

Yesterday was .. I can't remember feeling that good.

However. There are always downsides.

Such as, I work in customer support. But with the signing ( in the car - i seem to sing at a higher pitch than i speak ) and surprisingly high pitched screams and laughing while killing or being killed by my friend, on the games console, my voice is very scratchy and my throat hurts...

More practice needed :-)

A great day, and today a green shirt...

Thursday, 6 December 2012


I'm home alone so no better time to think about things and the direction my life is going.

So I thought I would put some music on.

Don Williams ? Maybe.

The stand - the man who won't be moved. Now this song means two things to me. I first heard it on my ex gf's birthday in June. It does describe me. I would be stood on the corner, waiting for her to reappear, but, I'm holding a picture of me. I would give anything to re-kindle the friendship I had, and on the other hand I'm on a journey to re-define who I am. So in a sense I'm going back to where it began.

Ok so I ended up with daft punk ! No ones perfect ;-)

It's actually funny, I'm thinking about when my parents found me in possession of what would be deemed as non manly items. The man to man chats I had with my father, which made me think of the last time I visited, when I put some deodorant on, he asked what is that smell, mother said its deodorant, to which he replied, don't use that stuff, come out the garage with me and help me work on the bikes, that will give you a proper manly smell...

Yeah... If only they knew

Time for a break

It's time. Time for me to stop doing what I'm doing and relax. Take a break.

It's becoming so clear that I fill my life up doing stuff, even watching tv, enough to stop me thinking about me.

I know that I get very depressed if I stop doing stuff, from a very early age. And I strongly feel its because I had no release, no one to share me with. I feel so different today, now I have had chance to talk to someone.

For example earlier I shared a link to a corset I liked, and we discussed it ( after she initiated the conversation - I know I'm pushy so I was waiting at the screen watching name, hoping, praying she would say hi and she did :-) ). It was nice. So I ended up talking somewhat about my wife, because she was the cover for getting lingerie. I need to stop that and talk about me, because it is about me and not my wife.

I hope one day I will be able to talk to my wife about this but she has made it clear that she doesn't want to talk about it and that's ok for now.

At the end of the conversation, she ( my friend) said she had read the blog and we will talk later. It was so hard, so hard not to ask if she had read it during the conversation, but I needed not to make her fell pressurised in to reading it, and I'm glad. Glad I didn't ask, and so happy that she read it.

So, friend, this is me, welcome to my life.

I read this post on the blog and it brought tears to my eyes. Is it emotions or ... Because its -1 deg ! Time to go back to work

Birthday and Christmas.

I have just received an email for a list of items ( which in the past has never been followed ) for my birthday and Christmas present.

I so want to say a makeup kit from boots and a corset from butterfly corsets...

Don't think I'm at that place yet but... Oh, if only


I just feel so good right now. I even chose a 'coloured' shirt to work, something I have never done for... A very long time

Smiling and singing... Me ... Something is ... Right !


Content. Ok. Meaning happy, not the listing of contents;-)

Sleepless night again but I had nothing on my mind when I woke. I got my self off to sleep thinking of corsets and dresses and all things feminine, which was nice.

I have been sat here for at least 5 minutes, trying to think of how to describe how I'm feeling, and I think it comes down to I have a friend I can talk to, and I know I might not get a response strait away but that is ok. It's ok because I know that's how it is. And ... I really do not know how to express my feelings right now, I'm just repeating what I have already said.

But, I have someone, someone who knows me, someone to talk to. I want to shout it from the ....... Ear to ear ??? As no one else knows and I need to keep it that way just a but longer.

Hum , 17 minutes to write this, best get ready for work!

Wednesday, 5 December 2012

It's okay. All is good in the life of a male lesbian.

Panic is over. Yeah. Ok. Not over but manageable. I expressed in the most confusing way possible, what I feel I needed and she said no. But that's good. She explained why, and that made it manageable.

I have found someone to talk to if I need to, but I know not to panic and feel I have gone too far if I'm calling and no one is answering.

I have shared my mind with her and she has shared her mind with me. She knows what I want and what I'm like, and I understand why I can't have the level of friendship I feel I need but that's okay.

And reading this, I hope she understands what it means to me.

From the deepest part of my heart, thankyou.

And breathe

Yeah, I am very aware that I over react, and this is one of those times.

The woman I spoke to yesterday seemed to be 'late' logging in to messenger.

Everything was going through my mind. Is she avoiding me, did I say too much, was it too much. Should I have told her...

In the end, she slept through her alarms.

I know. I know I shouldn't react this way. I know she assured me it was ok to talk to her about this. But it's a big step for me and I'm sure it can be a lot for someone else to take in. And I don't want to push it too far.

I told her about this blog and warned her it was very blunt and down to earth. So, do I pass the URL on ?

I really want to. I want to be open. I want someone to know me, the real me, from the tips of my hair down to my toes. Is it a role for a friend? Someone I will never have a 'relationship' with? Should I keep it private? Or should I let her decide... Time will tell, at least, when she comes online again. But on the other hand, to be a true friend, deep down, they should know each other inside out.

Decisions decisions...

The bitter after taste

So. Another restless night.

Did I do the right thing? Yes, it made me feel so at ease with myself, but there were things I wish I had said, things I couldn't believe I was saying, all to this kind woman who listened to what I was saying, and asked the right questions, stated the right statements at the right times.

I think she will be a great friend in helping me find the right direction, but the hug I felt I needed to assure me it was ok, didn't happen. I left relieved that I had someone to talk to, but also knowing that its unlikely this person is the person to show me how to walk, talk, put makeup on or dress.

Which, thinking about it now, is ok. I think, she is the type of person who will make me slow down and consider my actions before I make any mistake.

I know me. I know I will try to tell her everything. I will want to involve her in everything, for her valued opinion and support. I just hope she survives and out friendship is still intact at the other end.

And back to bed.

Tuesday, 4 December 2012

A cup of coffee

Today I came clean. I had the following conversation with someone I play on the games console with. she became a very good friend. To me at least, she is now.

Me : Agh, feel so ... blah... need to kill aliens
Her : oh dear
me : yeah, wrote some stuff on a forum, and the responce sturred some unexpected thoughts... I have a question. you know im impulsive, so, yes or no.. ?? Should I do what Im thinking of doing or should I think it through more before acting on my impulse ? Im afraid thats the only description you get to answer the question..
her : always think it through!
me : :) yeah... it could be live changing so i guess your right...
her : ! certainly if it could be life changing! impulse is only good if you have the money and time to sort out any mess afterwards
Me : no, no cost involved. not for the foreseeable future
Her : talk it through with some others to get their opinion, it does then really depend on what it is
me : thats the problem... i dont have anybody to talk it through with... i mean nobody i feel comfortable talking it through with... especially not the wife, you know she has a mind of her own
Her : J? K?
Me : i rearly dont know.
her : if its a mental thing, try samaritans or mind helpline, they can help with that, or a forum? or is that what you have already done?
me : yeah I have writen on a forum, which has been a great help but.... they are strangers
her : gp? me?
me : considering
her : C? sibling?
me : so this is where we come back to ... the yes or no quesion.
me : [3:25:28 PM] Her:: me?
her : however, I can't make any useful comments without knowing what its about. I would always caution on impulse as it often gets people into more trouble
me : yeah, i know, and thats what is depressing me... i need to think about this carefully, but I really want someone i know to input.... i need to think about it... so... at the moment the impulsive answer is no...
her : a cousin? old school friend?
Me : i rearly dont know anybody. you, J, K are rearly the only people i talk to regularly, J not so much since i left and he no longer logs in to IM or play on the games console as much as he did, but i dont think he would understand...
her : if you want someone to talk to then samaritans can help, doesn't have to be anything mental, used to have people phoning up just for a chat as they felt lonely
me : yeah, suppose.. but again, i need it to be someone I know... and
knows me
her : I guess then you do need to decide who out of those you know you would feel the most comfortable and most helpful in telling. Just cos you don't speak to someone every day doesn't mean they are still not your friend and would be willing to listen. I phoned up a friend I hadn't spoken to in 7 years last month, just to ask her advice, ok not just to ask her advice but that was the primary reason, because I knew she was the most suitable person.
me : erm.... :D
me: I need to think more about it.
me : but, thanks. i do appreciate what you have said.
her: np
me : you might even find this on my blog, one day....
her: ah
her: but then in order for me to read it I would need to know where it was, so you would have to tell me, then I would know. have a think
me : yeah, i think i need to.
her: make lists, thats what my mum always says - lists of pros and cons!
me : thats easy. I have someone to confide in, pro... I have no one to kill me on the games console, con
her : crumbs, sounds serious
me : as i said, it could be life altering for me... and I need to know, the person I open to will have a open mind so i can blurb out everything... I value our friendship and I dont know what way it would turn if....
me : i mean, who else can i text saying lets play a game !
her : :-D
me : text J, blah, never reads txt...
her: I guess that does depend on the topic - if its you are considering murdering someone or cheating on your wife, then no I won't have an open mind!
her : other things I do tend to have a more open mind on
her : no, no murder, cheating on wife, depends on your view point... there is no one one else involved...
me: Thanks...
me :erm, I will be passing yours in 45 minutes.
her : Door is open...

So, that was it. that was the start of the conversation. When I got to her house, I started describing the envirement and she asked if I wanted to be a woman. We spent over an hour just talking, and I left feeling I found someone I can talk to, to trust with my inner feelings. 

Thank you for being there.

No ! Stop ! Stop it now

I didn't sleep well last night. Waking up several times, thinking is this me ?

Then, here I am sat in a showroom, waiting for my car to be looked at, wearing nail polish... Ok it's clear but I know it's there and I think my mum might have noticed it yesterday... That with my hair which now touches the end of my nose which use to be cut short, 15mm was the norm, to make me male looking.

I tend to be very implosive, to a fault. With me, it has to be done here now this minute or it won't happen. Even if after it takes hours, weeks, months, even years to complete, if I don't start it now, it never happens.

So, I'm in a dilemma. Do I tell a (femail) friend and ask their opinion, to see if they see femme attributes, for example, on games consoles, I always pick the girl. When I 'scream' my friend often gets the blame for screaming as apparently I scream like a girl ;-) and as she is the only girl out of 7-8 of us, it's understandable why:-)

So should I be implosive? Should I talk to her about it.. I think this is the first time I have actually sat back and thought about plans and consequences. I think she would be cool about it and take it in her stride, but is it the right thing to do, to burden her with my thoughts ?

Saturday, 1 December 2012


Twitter. Yeah, I have made the jump and started following various companies on twitter.

One company is butterfly corsets. And my oh my. They post pictures to twitter, and they are lovely.

It's strange. Well, to me anyway. I mean, glamor and lingerie photos, I seem to be looking at the models eyes, hair and makeup and how the lingerie or clothing fits more than anything else, wishing I had a body like that, so I could wear clothes like they do.

Went to the cinema to see the guardians movie ( yeah my eyes were streaming by the end ), and in the entrance there was two women. One was wearing shorts with leggings and the other tight jeans with knee high boots. I so wish I could wear that. Christmas is coming so maybe ? Eh :-)

Monday, 26 November 2012


So, reading twitter, amazon have advertised gifts. For kids, him and her.

Seriously ! 6 catagorys in each, 2 out of 6 in for him appeal to me, 4 out of 6 for her really appeal...

What does that say about me ... Agh !!!!

Sunday, 25 November 2012


I keep going through my thoughts, trying to justify my feelings.

As a child, I didn't really play with boys toys, but to the same measure, what I did have wasn't specifically girls toys either. Although I did play with my sisters doll head thing, where you apply makeup and do up its hair...

Even now, I don't follow the male trend. For example, knowing the insides out of a car to me is very masculine. But a car to me is a means to get from a to b.

I iron, taking pride in it. I can remember, in a previous job, we had a work uniform. I always felt sorry for the women. Their clothes always seemed to be so muck more complex than the men's, taking more time to make it 'right' for work, sometimes feeling that this complexity was done on purpose in an attempt to remove women from the work place.

I can't have children. I have all the bits required, but they just don't work.

I feel more at ease in the company of women. I can talk to them. I feel they understand me more than my male friends do.

I get emotional and cry while watching movies - actually more than my wife does...

I feel more right, looking through women's clothing than I do looking for men's clothing.

And now ? I'm growing my hair. I asked miss x about my hair, she suggested I grow it until spring, see how I feel about it then, as she prefers long hair and doesn't understand why anybody would cut it short, especially now, in winter..


Reading story's like this, makes me wonder exactly what I am. I have always looked to women to being my partner. Having a relationship with a man doesn't disgust me, but equally doesn't appeal to me.

I can't put what I want to say in to words, maybe the word disgust is too strong. I have thought about it, I mean I want to be a woman, and women partner with men . And the men I know. Well, no !

Friday, 23 November 2012

Close call

Today was interesting. Turns out I made her uncomfortable by talking about, we'll. I guess, me.

I'm so glad I didn't tell her about all of me.

But what she did say was cool. Threw a new perspective on things so thank you miss x.

Ill try not to take it to heart when she ignores me ;-)

Wednesday, 21 November 2012

Today was a good day

I spoke of her before, the girl at work, one of 3 women who work in an office of 20 men.

I spoke to her today, under the cover of my wife. We were talking about makeup, and just generally talking. I said that my wife has a eye liner pencil, and once its gone blunt, she wastes the rest becaue she doesnt have the right sharpner, which led on to where to get a sharpener from, and tips on how to sharpen it with out wasting the makeup so, yeah it was good. it was nice to be able to talk to her. I tend to shy away from talking to her incase i say the wrong thing, and I always wonder if i had said the wrong thing, but today was good.

We even got around to talking about my hair. It started by me asking her if I could have the rest of the day off, which is kind of a private joke between us - well, i think it is...  that went to, so i could play on my games console, to maybe wash my hair as its getting long. So I asked her opinion. She has long light brown hair, which she wears in a pony tail most days, and some times just with a hair clip to hold the back in place. She said she prefers long hair, and i would be mad to cut it especially as its getting near to winter. She suggested to keep growing it until spring, see how i feel then.

I just cant express how nice it was, to be able to talk about this. Ok, it may be a silly thing to talk about, but, it just felt so nice, being able to talk about it. My wife just wants me to cut it down to 16mm... its currently about 6 - 7cm long.

I almost came out to her, it was that close, but no. I think she would take it in her stride but it could be really bad if she took it the wrong way, and that could just make me feel, soo bad...

I did ask her if she minded if I kept asking her questions and things, she said she didnt mind so maybe, one day, the option will come up and I will tell her.

Sunday, 18 November 2012

Hello Angels

Yesterday after finally getting access to the blog back, and in the mind set I was / am in, I decided to reach out and find someone to talk to.

I was in the middle of a post and my wife returned. It wasn't that she doesn't know about my feelings, it's that she doesn't know you know.

So, hello angels, and welcome to my life.

Reading some of the blogs linked from the forum, it's like reading about myself.

I started wearing women's clothing at a very young age, and can remember my parents finding odd items in my room, but their questioning never really got anywhere.

A few years ago we were preparing for my sisters wedding, my mother was looking for cuff links in top shop, when she picked up a diamond stud, about 1cm square, commenting that the back would just fall through the button hole. It took a lot of effort to persuade her that they were ear rings.

So you might understand how the questioning went :-) bless her...

Saturday, 17 November 2012

I'm not alone

Its true, Im not alone. I have decided to try and find advice, to see if my feelings are justified, or I have just a strong bond with / to femail feelings. The problem is now, that every time I go out, my wife comes with me. To the Doctors, shopping, you name it, she is there.

But today, today she went off to get some shopping while I went to another shop. I just happened to pass John Lewis, and yeah, ok, the Lingerie section.

Yep, in the past I have picked out some nice lingerie for my wife, which fitted better than the items she got herself, but this time, I was just looking. I have read that there are 200 denier tights available which would feel so nice, better I fear, than the pair of 100 denier I already have. So I was looking for a pair of those, and while looking around, I discovered strapless bras by wonderbra. They felt like they were made of a very stiff material, which, would make it appear that I had proper breasts, and not loose material. Time to save up I think...

For some reason today, the desire to wear my dress was so strong, it was all I could think about. Especially while watching women passing around town. It seems there is a high percentage of women who wear leggings. some, I feel, just did not look right, leaving nothing to the imagination. I think, a long shirt or shorts or something like that would make the "look" just right... So much that sometimes I feel I wish I didnt have this thing between my legs so it would be, well, just be right, and I could wear those clothes too.

Lost forever

Nooooo... So Blogger have released a update to the app on the iphone. so, yeah, updated it, and what happened ? it lost the password. It got me so depressed, I was about to create a new blog and link to this one, when I thought I would try one more time, and this time, I thought I would try my normal "you must update your password" addition I usually use, and that worked. The feeling of relief is, well, its just soo strong, its indescribable. So, there we are, able to tell the world, but tell no one.

The saying, it helps to get things off your chest and tell someone is so true, although Im not telling anybody in particular, im telling you, the reader, which makes this more easy to, well, just makes it more easy for me to accept my feelings.

Sunday, 14 October 2012

It's happened

My wife has found my lingerie. It was the questions most people go through, am I gay, a transvestite, etc. I tried to explain but I don't think I explained my feelings well, and she didn't understand . 4 days later we were discussing it again, I tried to explain again and this time she was more receptive to what I was saying.

I asked her, when was the last time I purchased male clothes. She does it for me. I'm always picking clothes out for her.

How many male friends do I have, the majority are women.

I explained about my beard, that it makes me feel like I'm showing that im a man, but i did agree to shave it off... Ready for razor burn !

I can't have kids, is all this signs that I shouldn't be in a mans body?? I don't know

I hope she understands better now. She did say I could wear my night dress at home, but I think that will be pushing it at the moment.

Oh, yeah, lost the password for this blog, this post is thanks to my iPhone !

Saturday, 21 July 2012

The excitement

It is a buzz, now I have found a bra which fits me properly, I feel confident wearing it in public. Being one step closer to being the woman I wish I was.

It does enhance my bust but, under a loose top, it's barely noticeable unless your rearly looking. But being a bloke in womens lingerie, if course I feel like everybody is looking at me and can see I'm wearing lingerie. It is exciting on one hand but on the other, people are seeing me how I should be, not how I am, although the may have to stare.

As well as massaging ginger and honey body butter in to my breasts every day, I do feel that this is right. I'm starting to think about discussing it with the dr.

Tuesday, 5 June 2012

The best place for torture

John Lewis. Yeah, to get in to the store, you have to walk past all the cosmetics, but not only that, but the assistants are putting makeup on women. I keep wondering, what would they think if I asked them to 'do me', would I look beautiful like the women in the posters ? Would the think there's something wrong ?

Would it be like the first time I purchased lingerie, and the girl said 'you know its for women don't you, it doesn't come in men's sizes!'. I said I hoped that the assistant is just as helpful when your boyfriend or husband is purchasing you some lingerie. Then again that was ... 25 years ago...

Saturday, 2 June 2012

What a interesting article

Yeah, I follow diva magazine on twitter. Reading through the tweets I came across
After reading this, I thought yeah, this is why I still keep my feelings secret.

Monday, 28 May 2012

Times like these

I'm at an "event" today. It's approaching 27 deg, and I'm just sat in the shade watching people.

I just think women are so lucky, to be able to wear the clothes, dresses they wear.

There is one particular woman walking around, long blonde hair, flowery dress with just the strap around her neck, you know, not over the shoulder, full length, very light, care free.

I would give anything, really !! To be accepted wearing something like that in this weather. It makes me feel so envious of her. She is so lucky...

Wednesday, 23 May 2012


I watched a documentary on Ladyboys. It was quite interesting, how some are successful business women, singers etc, the rest are erotic dancers - or seem to be.

Why do they look so feminine, well, apparently its because they take women's contraceptive pills from an early age. this encourages bone structure and fatty cells to be placed, well, in places more associated with a female body.

I must say, for the last 10 years, I have been thinking what would happen if I started taking "the pill". There are posts stating its very dangerous because the hormone levels could be completely wrong for the male person body weight...

So, whats right, the ladyboys who have been taking them from ages of 13 onwards or the opinion of the few saying its dangerous...

Just out of interest, are you reading this ? make my day, leave me a comment

Monday, 21 May 2012

love that dress

Walking around, going in to town, walking from work to the shops, watching tv, movies, you name it, there are always beautiful women around.

I always seem to be looking at the women, but at the clothes they are wearing, the way their makeup is, not because I fancy the woman, but because im thinking about how the dress would look on me. How the makeup would look on me

Yeah, most of it would make me look like a fat bloke in a dress, but wow. I just cant thinking about it, about laving flawless smooth skin... sometimes the feeling is unbearable..

Sunday, 20 May 2012

Stop ! please stop

Just watching TV, this program, that program, they are mainly sponsored by products for women, makes up, hair products... Then, the adverts between programs, they are mainly aimed at women again, clothes, makeup...

It does what it says on the tin, it makes me want to try it, to see if it makes me beautiful, like the women in the adverts, to make me .. sexy ...

But its difficult, instead of letting go and doing what I want to do, how I want to be, i seem to have gone the other way, to give the impression that i don't feel this way, like, wear the type of shirts which are too big, to give the typical male illusion. instead of a clean shave, as I said previously, I use a beard trimmer not only to keep this illusion but also because I get a rash when i shave.

Yeah, I guess there are products out there, which will solve the rash, but my brother in law gets so much stick for using moisturizer on his face, comments that he is becoming female, I think I would over react and try to convince the accuser is wrong, but by over reacting, might leave some questions behind.

I so wish I had long hair !!!

Saturday, 19 May 2012

Its funny

Watching tv with some lesbian friends, the program had a sketch about men who cross dressing in it. I found it funny, lovely women they are, being gay, they still thought it strange for a man wanting to dress in women's clothes.

Being gay, I assumed they would be more open to stuff which wasn't seen by the "community" as normal.

Do they know about me ? Oh no ! I have kept it a secret for so long. That's what this blog is about, to let me express my self with out people who know me, knowing. not yet at least...

I do think about what my parents would think if they knew, especially my sister.


A girl sat across from me. Makeup done very nicely, good fitting leggings and top. Nice earrings...

Its surprising in my opinion, how many women / girls, dress in clothes which are too big for them. Which don't flatter their body.

That's half the reason I don't go out in any of my clothes collection, because I know I won't look any where as good as I expect women to look like.

Maybe with age eh...


Is it the woman encased in this clothing or is it the lingerie which I desire ?

It's the desire to be the person. To have that shape, which the clothing, the lingerie enforces on the wearer, to make me beautiful. But to what end? Not to entrap a man, as it is women I desire and long for, desire to be.

Tuesday, 15 May 2012

Am I my own worst enemy ?

Do I feel this way and keep feeling this way because of the marketing emails I receive ? Such as Agent Provocateur, victoria secrets for exotic lingerie, instyle for fashion trends and more and more of the same type of emails ?

The lingerie is modeled by gorgeous women and i dream about wearing it along with the dresses seen in the fashion emails, and of course Miss X

But no. Not yet. Am I ready for that step, no. I will have to just continue with my clear nail varnish, and surrender, for her body cream, which I use when I shave my chest. It makes me so ... Feminine..

Monday, 14 May 2012

Why not me ?

With out knowing ( I think, I hope ) my first girlfriend, who I kept in close contact with for many years after the relationship ended, said she once nearly tried out her make-up skills on me.

For years after, even now, I feel great sorrow that I didn't encourage her to do it.

Lately, I got a new job. The only woman there, lets call her Miss X, I can't describe how she makes me feel, even she has commented that she has put make-up on one of the other guys who worked there, just for fun.

Will the opportunity arise where she will put make-up on me? I hope so from the bottom of my heart. It wouldn't be hard to do, she cycles to work and gets changed at work so everything is already there, just need the occasion, the opportunity to rise. I hope so. Do I say something, or do I wait and see if the opportunity arises where I say oh go on then !!

Lets see what Miss X leaves around the office today, usually its lipstick or lip balm, in a bright red colour, occasionally with  face cream and eye lash curlers... hummmmmmmmm...

So, please, why not me ?

Sunday, 13 May 2012

hair problem

The main complaint I have at the moment, about my body, is my facial hair. If I have a close shave, I come out in a rash.

To overcome this, I went through a phase of plucking my beard. After a while, it didn't hurt to do it, but it was so time consuming, and I kept forgetting where I put the tweezers, so after a month that idea was dropped. Unless it is an important event, I have resided to using a beard trimmer, where it leaves 1 - 2 mm of stubble and thats is.

Can anybody suggest a treatment or something to get rid of this horrid stuff for ever, or, I guess, something to stop the rash...

So what is a male lesbian.

After creating this blog, I sat down and thought, what exactly do I want ? Why did I create this blog ? What is it for ?

Then I thought.
1. I have very limited interest in the normal male associated activities, football, beer, cars
2. I much prefer to go window shopping for dresses and lingerie than actually purchasing jeans, even when I really need a new pair of trousers.
3. I find it much easier to talk to women than men, about anything. I seem to understand them better and they understand me.
4. I cry when the hero wins the day. Erm... Did I say that out loud ???
5. I watch fashion shows and wish I had that body as the woman elegantly walks down the runway.
6 I was so disappointed when they removed FTV from Sky. I started watching the wedding channel fashion shows, and the gorgeous women in wedding gowns.

So... Am I a Normal man, I don't think so. Am I a woman in a mans body ? I don't know. Am I a Male lesbian, a woman in a mans body, but only want to have relationships with women, of all the descriptions I can see on the internet, I think this describes me best.

Why the blog.
I want to shout my feelings out, but the friends I have, I don't think would understand.
I want to talk to others who feel the same way, to prove to myself that I'm not the only one..

I welcome comments from anybody, everybody, even if its just to say hi.

Saturday, 12 May 2012

My moobs are getting ... Big

I have obtained a selection of women's lingerie over the years, and occasionally I wear it in the house. I tend to purchase lingerie, not because I want to wear it, more like, I like the feeling of the fabric and how it makes women look.

Today was different. I put it on and I actually filled the cup ! I couldn't believe it so I spent most of the day wearing it, and after carefully checking to see if it was visible under my clothes, I even ventured out, wearing the bra, which enhanced the look of my breasts, making me look just that slightly more feminine, although I think you would have to know, to be able to tell.

Hello and welcome to my life

What am I ? That's the question.

This blog is to describe what I'm going through daily.

Am I the only one feeling this way, I guess not. Do I know about anyone else ? No.

A question I have battled with for many years. Am I a man or am I a woman in a mans body?

Am I gay ? No, at least I don't think so, although some stories I have read do have a gay theme and in not totally against the idea, but 2 women or 2 men ? The women win every time.

So, this blog is to express my feelings. I expect there are many people who don't understand, and more who won't understand. Feel free to comment, as this is me comming out of my shell.