Monday, 26 November 2012


So, reading twitter, amazon have advertised gifts. For kids, him and her.

Seriously ! 6 catagorys in each, 2 out of 6 in for him appeal to me, 4 out of 6 for her really appeal...

What does that say about me ... Agh !!!!

Sunday, 25 November 2012


I keep going through my thoughts, trying to justify my feelings.

As a child, I didn't really play with boys toys, but to the same measure, what I did have wasn't specifically girls toys either. Although I did play with my sisters doll head thing, where you apply makeup and do up its hair...

Even now, I don't follow the male trend. For example, knowing the insides out of a car to me is very masculine. But a car to me is a means to get from a to b.

I iron, taking pride in it. I can remember, in a previous job, we had a work uniform. I always felt sorry for the women. Their clothes always seemed to be so muck more complex than the men's, taking more time to make it 'right' for work, sometimes feeling that this complexity was done on purpose in an attempt to remove women from the work place.

I can't have children. I have all the bits required, but they just don't work.

I feel more at ease in the company of women. I can talk to them. I feel they understand me more than my male friends do.

I get emotional and cry while watching movies - actually more than my wife does...

I feel more right, looking through women's clothing than I do looking for men's clothing.

And now ? I'm growing my hair. I asked miss x about my hair, she suggested I grow it until spring, see how I feel about it then, as she prefers long hair and doesn't understand why anybody would cut it short, especially now, in winter..


Reading story's like this, makes me wonder exactly what I am. I have always looked to women to being my partner. Having a relationship with a man doesn't disgust me, but equally doesn't appeal to me.

I can't put what I want to say in to words, maybe the word disgust is too strong. I have thought about it, I mean I want to be a woman, and women partner with men . And the men I know. Well, no !

Friday, 23 November 2012

Close call

Today was interesting. Turns out I made her uncomfortable by talking about, we'll. I guess, me.

I'm so glad I didn't tell her about all of me.

But what she did say was cool. Threw a new perspective on things so thank you miss x.

Ill try not to take it to heart when she ignores me ;-)

Wednesday, 21 November 2012

Today was a good day

I spoke of her before, the girl at work, one of 3 women who work in an office of 20 men.

I spoke to her today, under the cover of my wife. We were talking about makeup, and just generally talking. I said that my wife has a eye liner pencil, and once its gone blunt, she wastes the rest becaue she doesnt have the right sharpner, which led on to where to get a sharpener from, and tips on how to sharpen it with out wasting the makeup so, yeah it was good. it was nice to be able to talk to her. I tend to shy away from talking to her incase i say the wrong thing, and I always wonder if i had said the wrong thing, but today was good.

We even got around to talking about my hair. It started by me asking her if I could have the rest of the day off, which is kind of a private joke between us - well, i think it is...  that went to, so i could play on my games console, to maybe wash my hair as its getting long. So I asked her opinion. She has long light brown hair, which she wears in a pony tail most days, and some times just with a hair clip to hold the back in place. She said she prefers long hair, and i would be mad to cut it especially as its getting near to winter. She suggested to keep growing it until spring, see how i feel then.

I just cant express how nice it was, to be able to talk about this. Ok, it may be a silly thing to talk about, but, it just felt so nice, being able to talk about it. My wife just wants me to cut it down to 16mm... its currently about 6 - 7cm long.

I almost came out to her, it was that close, but no. I think she would take it in her stride but it could be really bad if she took it the wrong way, and that could just make me feel, soo bad...

I did ask her if she minded if I kept asking her questions and things, she said she didnt mind so maybe, one day, the option will come up and I will tell her.

Sunday, 18 November 2012

Hello Angels

Yesterday after finally getting access to the blog back, and in the mind set I was / am in, I decided to reach out and find someone to talk to.

I was in the middle of a post and my wife returned. It wasn't that she doesn't know about my feelings, it's that she doesn't know you know.

So, hello angels, and welcome to my life.

Reading some of the blogs linked from the forum, it's like reading about myself.

I started wearing women's clothing at a very young age, and can remember my parents finding odd items in my room, but their questioning never really got anywhere.

A few years ago we were preparing for my sisters wedding, my mother was looking for cuff links in top shop, when she picked up a diamond stud, about 1cm square, commenting that the back would just fall through the button hole. It took a lot of effort to persuade her that they were ear rings.

So you might understand how the questioning went :-) bless her...

Saturday, 17 November 2012

I'm not alone

Its true, Im not alone. I have decided to try and find advice, to see if my feelings are justified, or I have just a strong bond with / to femail feelings. The problem is now, that every time I go out, my wife comes with me. To the Doctors, shopping, you name it, she is there.

But today, today she went off to get some shopping while I went to another shop. I just happened to pass John Lewis, and yeah, ok, the Lingerie section.

Yep, in the past I have picked out some nice lingerie for my wife, which fitted better than the items she got herself, but this time, I was just looking. I have read that there are 200 denier tights available which would feel so nice, better I fear, than the pair of 100 denier I already have. So I was looking for a pair of those, and while looking around, I discovered strapless bras by wonderbra. They felt like they were made of a very stiff material, which, would make it appear that I had proper breasts, and not loose material. Time to save up I think...

For some reason today, the desire to wear my dress was so strong, it was all I could think about. Especially while watching women passing around town. It seems there is a high percentage of women who wear leggings. some, I feel, just did not look right, leaving nothing to the imagination. I think, a long shirt or shorts or something like that would make the "look" just right... So much that sometimes I feel I wish I didnt have this thing between my legs so it would be, well, just be right, and I could wear those clothes too.

Lost forever

Nooooo... So Blogger have released a update to the app on the iphone. so, yeah, updated it, and what happened ? it lost the password. It got me so depressed, I was about to create a new blog and link to this one, when I thought I would try one more time, and this time, I thought I would try my normal "you must update your password" addition I usually use, and that worked. The feeling of relief is, well, its just soo strong, its indescribable. So, there we are, able to tell the world, but tell no one.

The saying, it helps to get things off your chest and tell someone is so true, although Im not telling anybody in particular, im telling you, the reader, which makes this more easy to, well, just makes it more easy for me to accept my feelings.