Family

My mother said yesterday that she thought it best if I didn't go over for Easter then she started talking about funerals ( they are both over 70 ) and how can I expect to go to their funerals as a woman.

When I first told my mother, I told her to talk to her doctor. The dr said there are two options, accept it or reject me.

I felt that she had rejected me. I know she had to fight to keep me due to medical issues when I was born, and at that moment in time on the phone, I felt she made the wrong decision 40 years ago, she should have let me go.

Then today, my wife called her and said what ever happens. I'm still her child. I'm still her family.

We had a exelent Sunday roast. All thanks to my wife.

And further more, my mother said it was a better day than she thought it could be, with me there.

The worst thing

Out of all that is happening to
Me, the worst thing is seeing teenagers, seeing what I should have been.

I keep getting flashbacks, my mother use to help out at dance classes and being pre-teen, I use to have to go too, to help. I can remember times when I use to watch the tutors daughter, a year or so younger than me, and think how elegant she looked, that I wished I had a body like hers.

I really get emotional when I remember things like this. I know it's no use thinking what could / should have been but, I keep trying to figure out when I first felt this way.

And it is difficult. To remember things about myself, which I forced myself to forget, is difficult to accept that I repressed it.

Another memory was we had exchange students and teachers. I can remember distinctly thinking that one of the teachers looked like a man, And how much i wanted to be in his/her shoes. Maybe she was, in a previous life. Now that I understand this is a fact if life and there are things such as us transgendered foke.

Seperate

I built the double bed yesterday and slept in the spare room. I felt... Well I felt free to do as I please. I could wear what I wanted to bed, listen to music through the night, yeah, it felt good.

Going back a few hours, my wife said she felt we should try sleeping apart, as family and friends thought it would be best. She spent most of the day voicing her love for me and kept saying she wants to sleep with me but can't sleep with a woman., so I spent most of the day clearing out my room and building a spare bed.

To be honest, I think I want to stay in the the spare room where I don't have to justify what I'm going.

For example, I put some deodorant on and that prompted why have you got perfume on. It's not the fact I'm wearing deodorant, it's that she makes me feel that I have to justify everything I'm doing. I said to her why did she say that, if I was wearing perfume, then she knows why. What I need to hear is if it smells nice or not, not why.

I'm still alive

:-)

I had my first consultation about hair removal on Tuesday. Girl, did that hurt, but on the other hand, I'm getting treatment which would normally cost in excess if £1000 free of charge, so, a little pain can be handled.

Otherwise, I'm doing good. My mother is still taking it badly and we have decided not to tell my father.

The two ladies I have been in frequent contact with about my transition, have stopped talking to me. In the sense that I get hardly any txt or phone calls. I feel it's due to conversations we had over my wife's birthday party... I miss the conversation and laughter... We will see.what happens...

So.. There we are for a quick update.

Oh yeah. Wife smiled for the first time on ages at the weekend. At last !!!