Thoughts

Where do I start. So... It's been a rough week. My wife has difficulty accepting social standards. She also has difficulty watching me transition. She knows its something I must do but she can't watch.

Ok..

She has her own house, just waiting for the final stuff to be done before she moves in.

Then... Monday she took an overdose and ended up in hospital. She is fine medically, no damage but mentally, all she says is that she failed, because she is still here. That she will be all alone. What ever I say, she still says she will be alone. 

She has so many friends who call in, who go running with her, swimming, every day. And she repeatedly says she will be alone. The house is 3 minute drive, 10 minute walk. And I have said she is welcome back for coffee etc, any time but nothing makes any difference.

And I really feel its all my fault. If I wasn't transitioning, she wouldn't be moving out. And I don't know what to do. I'm responsible for her taking an overdose, and I have no one to talk to. It's crap!

It's time

I can't say I blame her, she is leaving me.

There was a comment on one of my posts saying that this person was considering transition but in the end she  ( he ) valued the relationship more and decided not to transition. 

If this is what brought peace to his life then, good, I'm happy for him.

Reading some blogs and forums, to be a woman, you have to xyz. Really ? Don't you have to be you, to be a woman ? Do you have to wear heels, a dress, long hair, polished nails etc ? Is this a requirement ? If it is, someone should tell my sister as she surely can't be female if this is true.

Don't get me wrong, it's what I want, the long hair, nails, heels, but ... dress? Maybe in the future.. But for now, I'm happy, happy that people accept I am female, having long hair, polished nails, the heels and clothes I wear. Socially I get on better, I can look at clothes, lingerie, even other women with out feeling shame, embarrassment and hiding my actions. Because, one day, one day soon, I will have the body I have been watching, wanting for so many years, with the clothes I have only been able to dream of, which will help put right the feelings and thoughts I have had, which has been the reason for my seperation from society. 

As I said, my wife is leaving me. She can see the change in me, the desire to socialize, be part of life and she doesn't want to stop me from doing what must be done. She plans to live locally, so we will remain friends, and socialize together, not changing anything except for the roof over our heads.

Is that it ?

So, all my (wife's) friends have been td to call me Kimberley. On Monday I sent an email to the directors at work and said I will address the guys on office before my shift ends.

It was accepted very positively by all except for one young lad. The girls IM'ed me and said how brave I was and asked how it felt. Feel, it feels right, that I have put a wrong right at last.

And today, I saw the mental health guys, who couldn't find anything wrong !!! Such a good week !!!

Thought for the day

After councilling on Friday, I have decided its time, time to drop my male name and start using my feminine name.

Friends and (wife's) family are happy to do as I wish but I have concerns about work as it will affect not only people I work with but customers.

I think I need to confirm if there are gender policies at work before I say anything at work.

On a different note, how is my marriage seen in a court of law being a woman married to a woman... Especially as ( as far as I can find out ) same sex marriage is still a no no...

Thought for the day

All through my life I have had depression, and occasionally thoughts about killing my self.

One Christmas in particular I set light to some Christmas decorations, at the time it was either burn me, or something else.

After a conversation with my mother, her not wanting 2 daughters, it was a distressing call for both of us.

She said that she sometimes feels like ending it all. I keep telling her to talk to the dr and get counselling but she said the dr is no good.

Aftrr the phone call she txt me to say sorry, and that's when I txt back about my depression and suicidal thoughts.

I haven't heard anything since. I'm really regretting telling her about how I feel...

But now I feel I can't call because she will break down and cry, and with out my father knowing about me, I'm not prepared to put her in that position....

What do I do???

Jealous

Watching how to train your dragon tonight, and felt jealous ? Depressed ? Of the girl in the film, wishing I had a body like that...

Thoughts for the day

I have my NHS meeting at the end of the month. For this, I have ordered some clothes from a online catalogue.

My wife said that's the day when we will find out of our relationship will survive or end.

Anyone have any advice on what to do at this meeting ???

Councillor

Had another councillor meeting today. We spoke of my past, how my life is, and went through a state of honesty.

Meaning I described my life and what my wife had done.

The councillor said at that moment in time, she felt anger towards my wife, because of what she had done 20 years ago, and then appoligised as she should be non judgmental

In hindsight, over the years, I wish we divorced at that time.

Family

My mother said yesterday that she thought it best if I didn't go over for Easter then she started talking about funerals ( they are both over 70 ) and how can I expect to go to their funerals as a woman.

When I first told my mother, I told her to talk to her doctor. The dr said there are two options, accept it or reject me.

I felt that she had rejected me. I know she had to fight to keep me due to medical issues when I was born, and at that moment in time on the phone, I felt she made the wrong decision 40 years ago, she should have let me go.

Then today, my wife called her and said what ever happens. I'm still her child. I'm still her family.

We had a exelent Sunday roast. All thanks to my wife.

And further more, my mother said it was a better day than she thought it could be, with me there.

The worst thing

Out of all that is happening to
Me, the worst thing is seeing teenagers, seeing what I should have been.

I keep getting flashbacks, my mother use to help out at dance classes and being pre-teen, I use to have to go too, to help. I can remember times when I use to watch the tutors daughter, a year or so younger than me, and think how elegant she looked, that I wished I had a body like hers.

I really get emotional when I remember things like this. I know it's no use thinking what could / should have been but, I keep trying to figure out when I first felt this way.

And it is difficult. To remember things about myself, which I forced myself to forget, is difficult to accept that I repressed it.

Another memory was we had exchange students and teachers. I can remember distinctly thinking that one of the teachers looked like a man, And how much i wanted to be in his/her shoes. Maybe she was, in a previous life. Now that I understand this is a fact if life and there are things such as us transgendered foke.

Seperate

I built the double bed yesterday and slept in the spare room. I felt... Well I felt free to do as I please. I could wear what I wanted to bed, listen to music through the night, yeah, it felt good.

Going back a few hours, my wife said she felt we should try sleeping apart, as family and friends thought it would be best. She spent most of the day voicing her love for me and kept saying she wants to sleep with me but can't sleep with a woman., so I spent most of the day clearing out my room and building a spare bed.

To be honest, I think I want to stay in the the spare room where I don't have to justify what I'm going.

For example, I put some deodorant on and that prompted why have you got perfume on. It's not the fact I'm wearing deodorant, it's that she makes me feel that I have to justify everything I'm doing. I said to her why did she say that, if I was wearing perfume, then she knows why. What I need to hear is if it smells nice or not, not why.

I'm still alive

:-)

I had my first consultation about hair removal on Tuesday. Girl, did that hurt, but on the other hand, I'm getting treatment which would normally cost in excess if £1000 free of charge, so, a little pain can be handled.

Otherwise, I'm doing good. My mother is still taking it badly and we have decided not to tell my father.

The two ladies I have been in frequent contact with about my transition, have stopped talking to me. In the sense that I get hardly any txt or phone calls. I feel it's due to conversations we had over my wife's birthday party... I miss the conversation and laughter... We will see.what happens...

So.. There we are for a quick update.

Oh yeah. Wife smiled for the first time on ages at the weekend. At last !!!

I really shouldn't be here

I have a condition where as, if I need the toilet, I need it there and then.

It was one of those times yesterday.

I had been for a colour match, and this time they applied the foundation properly. I could really see a difference and it looked really good. So good, I asked them to do
My eyes too.

Then I had lunch and that set my tummy off.

I rushed to the toilets and when I had finished, I emerged from the cubicle in to a room full of men of all ages.

Wearing full makeup, and lingerie, although the top I was wearing was baggy so you couldn't really tell, but even so, it felt so wrong. I felt I shouldn't be there, in the men's toilets.

Looking in the mirror, there was no way I would pass as a female so the ladies toilets are out of the question too.

So... Thankyou medical condition ! Because I have this tummy problem, I have obtained a raydar key for access to disabled toilets, in case of emergencies...

I think that is going to be the way forward for now.

Progression

I'm making some great progress.

I wear a pink cap, mascara, nail polish, lingerie and occasionally a blouse to work.

I just can not believe how unobservant people are.

I have told one of the girls what's happening and on a daily basis, I ask her if she has notice what I have changed and she's pretty good although doesn't see everything.

I think the turning point was when I was dressed up, and feeling comfortable going to work dressed like I was, then we went to burgerking. It was only when I was half way through my meal that I realized I was wearing makeup and a blouse, in public, in burgerking. For a moment I panicked. What if .... Then I looked around and, no, no one was looking at me, any more than I was looking at them. It felt good !

Progress

Except for the fact my wife found this blog, my laptop didn't shut down properly, I have succeeded.

What I mean is, yesterday I went to bed in my nightie, she didn't like it so i took it off, after i got her to say take it off. Last night, I wore it all night. She didn't like it again, but she wouldn't say take it off !

It's been a while

Well, so much has happened. From borrowing clothes from friends, to discussing what would seem the right breast size for my build.

Everyone is still being so supportive, and I'm talking to 3 great women on a daily basis.

One turned around and said that she will support me through every stage I go through but doesn't want to be too pushy. ? too pushy ? Im enjoying every minute of it ! but still it meant a lot to me.

So, I have felt less need to write here because they are always there for me...

I have my DR's appointment this week and hope I will be referred to charing cross. Fingers crossed !

Is this right

After talking to my wife, I have asked myself, am I doing the right thing, then I see myself in a mirror.

And when I look in a mirror, I see a woman looking back at me. And I think, yes, this is right...

Strange feelings

This is weard, I'm happy, I have friends who are very supportive and I feel very happy where I am. Doing exactly what I'm doing at this moment in time.

I do want to progress and I have started steps to do this, but I'm now happy with the speed it's going at now.

It's a great feeling :-)

Questions questions

I had my first councelling session last night, well, kind of...

My councillor had an emergency so I didn't get to talk to her, but spoke to the group facilitator. Yes I said what I needed to say but this morning, I have so many questions I wish I had asked.

And it's going to be 2 weeks before we meet again. I do have an email, and a mobile number but should I call? Should I email ?

Agh !!!

First meeting

I met the councillor today. Had a chat for about an hour. It was very interesting.

So, I'm looking at a timescale of about 8 months to a year for HRT and if I want to go further the its another 2 years minimum on top.

Before any of this, I have to be tested, to ensure this is the life I want, before meds are considered.

So, I have made an appointment to see the dr. To get that process started...

Oh Helen !!

Please stop being the voice of reason !

Your right in what you say, and I know I should stop being so impulsive.

Thanks for being there, and bringing me back down to earth. ( with a bump sometimes )

Bad night

I hardly slept last night. I had a phone call from my mother, she blames herself for this.

I tried to reassure her it wasn't her fault, that nature some times gets it wrong, but she just cried.

After 32 calls to my sisters mobile, she eventually picked up and I asked her to take mum to see someone.

What makes things worse was she was on prescribed medication when she was expecting me, so her immediate reaction was, did the meds have anything to do with it. And she is blaming her self for that too.

So that was on my mind as well as the autogynephilia information I read. Come on appointment. I need to discuss this

Autogynephilia

Wow and wow and wow wow wow...
I have just read 28 narratives about autogynephilia, and it's like it was strangers writing about my life. How I have felt, what I have done to get by and pass as male. how do they know me that well???

Slow down

Sat here in Starbucks with my wife, staring at Facebook. The urge to tell the world what is happening is so strong, it's unbelievable..

But I know I have to wait till the end of this week before making any impulsive actions..

Come on Friday !!!

Shopping

I found one, a blouse which unless you look at it carefully, you wouldn't know it's woman's clothing. AND ! I found a shop which sells corsets in my size! I'm so excited.

First, my assment appointment is this week.
Secondly, I have chosen a name
Thirdly , I have found clothing I want to wear to work...

Roll on 2013, I'm waiting for you !

Welcome to 2013

I had a breakthrough yesterday. My wife, instead of repeating that she didn't want to sleep with a woman, started to tell me what was on her mind.

This included, if she decides to leave me, then she would have to go in to a warden controlled housing due to her disability.

I just hope she continues to open up and talk to me