Tuesday, 11 December 2012

No oh no...

It was a long time ago, I was pushed and in turn I knocked my gf at that time over.

The result was a small cut, but there was so much blood.

It took me out emotionally, I cried, yeah, in French class. I had to leave the class I was feeling so bad.

I haven't felt like that, until today. I was talking to Helen, expressing my thoughts like I have over the past week or so, and, I could see the more I was talking, the more she was getting stressed, having a lot to do and contend with me. knowing how I can be, it just washed over me, the guilt of stressing her further, disturbing her from her work, you name it, I feel that I have caused discontentment ( not sure if that's the right word ).

Even my attempts of trying to improve things was having the opposite effect. And made things worse. I just could not bear to loose her as a friend.

I just feel so ... Agh !


  1. Last bang of this drum i promise. Would this not be a good rrason to find somsone professional? I am sure H is trying to help but if you asked my partber about T stuff she would tell that she gets so bored of it all .... I try not to say anything but i know thats not possible and i have been round the houses on this subject for over 10 years now. I do understand the need but you are in danger of pushing her away

  2. Hi Becca.

    I spoke to helen shortly after writing this entry, she was fine about it, I know myself that i can be a bit much, even when talking about stuff non related. as you might have realised via this blog, i just cant keep anythign in :-)

    Although Helen is not trangendered, she has a unqiue perspective on what Im going through. I dont think i would be where i am now if it wasnt for her and her support.

    I have tried self refering myself for professional help, but havent heard back. I guess the fact i was shaking and my voice kept going might have something to do with them not getting my phone number, i hope thats why they havent called back. anyway, i will follow up with an email later to make sure.

    Keep banging that drum. it helps.