It's becoming so clear that I fill my life up doing stuff, even watching tv, enough to stop me thinking about me.
I know that I get very depressed if I stop doing stuff, from a very early age. And I strongly feel its because I had no release, no one to share me with. I feel so different today, now I have had chance to talk to someone.
For example earlier I shared a link to a corset I liked, and we discussed it ( after she initiated the conversation - I know I'm pushy so I was waiting at the screen watching name, hoping, praying she would say hi and she did :-) ). It was nice. So I ended up talking somewhat about my wife, because she was the cover for getting lingerie. I need to stop that and talk about me, because it is about me and not my wife.
I hope one day I will be able to talk to my wife about this but she has made it clear that she doesn't want to talk about it and that's ok for now.
At the end of the conversation, she ( my friend) said she had read the blog and we will talk later. It was so hard, so hard not to ask if she had read it during the conversation, but I needed not to make her fell pressurised in to reading it, and I'm glad. Glad I didn't ask, and so happy that she read it.
So, friend, this is me, welcome to my life.