Today I came clean. I had the following conversation with someone I play on the games console with. she became a very good friend. To me at least, she is now.
Me : Agh, feel so ... blah... need to kill aliens
Her : oh dear
me : yeah, wrote some stuff on a forum, and the responce sturred some unexpected thoughts... I have a question. you know im impulsive, so, yes or no.. ?? Should I do what Im thinking of doing or should I think it through more before acting on my impulse ? Im afraid thats the only description you get to answer the question..
her : always think it through!
me : :) yeah... it could be live changing so i guess your right...
her : ! certainly if it could be life changing! impulse is only good if you have the money and time to sort out any mess afterwards
Me : no, no cost involved. not for the foreseeable future
Her : talk it through with some others to get their opinion, it does then really depend on what it is
me : thats the problem... i dont have anybody to talk it through with... i mean nobody i feel comfortable talking it through with... especially not the wife, you know she has a mind of her own
Her : J? K?
Me : i rearly dont know.
her : if its a mental thing, try samaritans or mind helpline, they can help with that, or a forum? or is that what you have already done?
me : yeah I have writen on a forum, which has been a great help but.... they are strangers
her : gp? me?
me : considering
her : C? sibling?
me : so this is where we come back to ... the yes or no quesion.
me : [3:25:28 PM] Her:: me?
her : however, I can't make any useful comments without knowing what its about. I would always caution on impulse as it often gets people into more trouble
me : yeah, i know, and thats what is depressing me... i need to think about this carefully, but I really want someone i know to input.... i need to think about it... so... at the moment the impulsive answer is no...
her : a cousin? old school friend?
Me : i rearly dont know anybody. you, J, K are rearly the only people i talk to regularly, J not so much since i left and he no longer logs in to IM or play on the games console as much as he did, but i dont think he would understand...
her : if you want someone to talk to then samaritans can help, doesn't have to be anything mental, used to have people phoning up just for a chat as they felt lonely
me : yeah, suppose.. but again, i need it to be someone I know... and
knows me
her : I guess then you do need to decide who out of those you know you would feel the most comfortable and most helpful in telling. Just cos you don't speak to someone every day doesn't mean they are still not your friend and would be willing to listen. I phoned up a friend I hadn't spoken to in 7 years last month, just to ask her advice, ok not just to ask her advice but that was the primary reason, because I knew she was the most suitable person.
me : erm.... :D
me: I need to think more about it.
me : but, thanks. i do appreciate what you have said.
her: np
me : you might even find this on my blog, one day....
her: ah
her: but then in order for me to read it I would need to know where it was, so you would have to tell me, then I would know. have a think
me : yeah, i think i need to.
her: make lists, thats what my mum always says - lists of pros and cons!
me : thats easy. I have someone to confide in, pro... I have no one to kill me on the games console, con
her : crumbs, sounds serious
me : as i said, it could be life altering for me... and I need to know, the person I open to will have a open mind so i can blurb out everything... I value our friendship and I dont know what way it would turn if....
me : i mean, who else can i text saying lets play a game !
her : :-D
me : text J, blah, never reads txt...
her: I guess that does depend on the topic - if its you are considering murdering someone or cheating on your wife, then no I won't have an open mind!
her : other things I do tend to have a more open mind on
her : no, no murder, cheating on wife, depends on your view point... there is no one one else involved...
me: Thanks...
me :erm, I will be passing yours in 45 minutes.
her : Door is open...
So, that was it. that was the start of the conversation. When I got to her house, I started describing the envirement and she asked if I wanted to be a woman. We spent over an hour just talking, and I left feeling I found someone I can talk to, to trust with my inner feelings.
Thank you for being there.
It's made a big difference to be open to my friends. They may judge but a big part of my issues in the past have been around hiding and believing that my GID was shameful.
ReplyDeleteIt's not and self acceptance has lifted a big cloud from my life. I still struggle but it's a start.
Well done you for taking this step!
Again thanks for your comments.
ReplyDeleteIt felt, I can't describe the feeling, it was good. She was someone I chose to come out to, and not forced to, due to events.. Which made all the difference.